speed-dating

 (Continued from Theus Goodluck: Part 1 )

 

7:00 PM

Rebecca: So what do you do for a living?

Theus: Uh, I’m in the pharmaceutical industry.

Rebecca: That sounds interesting, sales or research?

Theus: Um, I suppose I’m more on the production side of things with some wholesale…tendencies?

Rebecca: Did you go to school for that?

Theus: No, I haven’t really been involved in the schooling…process, in a formal sense, pretty much entirely.

 

Rebecca: Oh, were you home schooled?

Theus: Certainly things were learned in my home, occasionally taught, so in that sense…I mean you could make an argument towards…that. Though, vocationally speaking, and mostly otherwise, I’m largely self-taught.

 

Rebecca: Did you even graduate from high school?

Theus: Does it matter? I mean, are you going to bust out geometry flashcards on our date? I can whip you up a diorama explaining the fur trade if it will help you sleep at night.

 

Rebecca: I’m not trying to offend you; I just find it odd that a functioning adult living within the margins in North American society could forgo schooling entirely. Honestly, you are well spoken enough I suspect you’re just bullshitting me to make some point.

Theus: Look, I don’t know if you’re keeping some erudition checklist under the table but it’s not against the law to read books outside school grounds. I had an odd situation and figured shit out. It’s not a big deal.

 

Rebecca: I’m sorry for your lack of opportunity.

Theus: Thanks. Hopefully this year they’ll get that telethon up and running.

*****

8:35

Claire: Theus, that’s an interesting name. What does it mean?

Theus: Sort of “of god” or “from god”.

Claire: Your parents must have seen you as quite a blessing.

Theus: Yeah, I suspect it was a little more complex than that. So what does Claire mean?

Claire: Clear and bright. My mother named me Claire Autumn Day, so I’d always know the feeling in her heart when she thinks of me.

Theus: So, do you just ask people what their names mean so you can explain that?

Claire: What? No. I find names very powerful and a way to really understand someone.

Theus: O.k. What’s your last name?

Claire: Summers.

Theus: Your name is Claire Autumn Day Summers?

Claire: Yes.

Theus: You don’t find that a little seasonally jarring?

Claire: No, why?

Theus: Never mind.

***

9:15

Rachel: So what do you do for a living?

Theus: I run a small scale private agriculture concern.

Rachel: Really, what do you grow?

Theus: Weed, for the most part.

Rachel: Marijuana?

Theus: That’s what the kids call it.

Rachel: And you’re proud of this?

Theus: You didn’t ask me what I’m proud of, you asked me what I do for a living.

Rachel: So what are you proud of then, Mr Drug Dealer?

Theus: My restraint in not mentioning how poorly your bra conceals the odd potato shape of your left boob.

 ***

8:55

Carol: My last three boyfriends were alcoholics, so I need to know if you drink.

Theus: Not often. Things tend to get a little out hand when I do.

Carol: Well, you probably have a drinking problem then.

Theus: No, I have problems when I drink…so I usually don’t. I don’t need anymore electrocution scares to hammer the point home.

Carol: Even one incidence of self destructive bingeing is enough that you should consider enrolling in a program.

Theus: Look lady, I was up until 3am last night pulling rancid salmon guts and dental floss out of a crumb tray…I don’t think a self help cult is going provide a great deal of additional motivation.

Carol: Even the smallest man can pretend he is strong.

Theus: Just out curiosity were they alcoholics at the start of the relationship or was that something that developed…over time.

Carol: I’m not going to accept blame for someone else’s selfish choice.

Theus: I’m not blaming you; I’m just saying you may have been a key link in the causal chain.

Carol: That’s blaming me.

Theus: Look, if you jump off a building it’s the fault of your judgement that you died…but, realistically, gravity accelerating you towards the ground was the cause. You get my meaning?

Carol :I don’t think this is working out

Theus: Can you give me directions to the nearest bar?

 ***

9:45

 

Sarah: This is so weird. I hope you know that I don’t ever do things like this.

Theus: I don’t, but it doesn’t really matter.

Sarah: What?

Theus: There is no reason I would know that. Actually, aside from your name, literally the only thing I know about you is that you do, indeed, do this sort of thing. But it doesn’t matter.

Sarah: What is that supposed to mean?

Theus: I don’t know, just what I said. Look, forget about it, it’s been an odd day.

Sarah: Fine, but what the hell did you mean by it?

Theus: It was a pretty straight forward declarative sentence; I don’t really know how to parse it any further. Let’s just put it in the past.

Sarah: Why are you being so hostile?

Theus: I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was being hostile. I don’t feel hostile…well, I didn’t…until you started accusing me, of things.

Sarah: So do you show up to stuff like this to be an asshole and make people feel stupid.

Theus: Uh, no…for the most part I try to get laid. Obviously, you’d probably feel stupid after…but there would be a whole order of operations thing going on in my favour.

Sarah: You are the saddest, most pathetic, least likeable person I’ve ever met.

Theus: You know what; I actually do feel a little hostile.

 ***

10:05pm

Artemis: I’m a Wiccan, does that bother you?

Theus: Not immediately.

Artemis: Because a lot of people who were raised in a conservative environment are uncomfortable with it. Were you raised religious?

Theus: I don’t know that I was raised that way, but it sort of came about as a natural side effect. It’s not an organized belief structure, but there are some things that make sense to me as opposed to other things.

Artemis: Do you believe in god?

Theus: Yeah, a few of them. Though I suspect I’m coming at it from a different place than most. Do you just…Wiccan-about, or do you have other hobbies.

Artemis: I knit, and restore custom bicycles. Plus I work two shifts a week at a womyn’s occult bookstore.

Theus: Sounds lucrative.

 ***

10:15

Julie: To be clear from the outset I don’t date adult men that:

  • Still live with their parents
  • Don’t have a job
  • Have roommates
  • Make less the 30000$ a year

Are you cool with that?

Theus: Well, I:

  • don’t know who owns my house, but I’m fairly certain my parents are dead
  • I don’t live with any other…people
  • I own my business
  • I’m pretty sure I made a lot more than that last year but I’d have to check with my accountant

Julie: I hope that wasn’t too off putting, but It seems fairer to say that upfront before my charm sets in and I have to disqualify you.

Theus: You’re very compassionate. And I appreciate you keeping that charm on such a tight, tight, lockdown.

Julie: You’re welcome. What kind of business do you own?

Theus: I grow and distribute holistic medicine. I’m also a partner in a Tele-sales venture that I know almost nothing about.

Julie: Industrious.

Theus: Self sufficiency was thrust upon me at a young age. I tend to get by.

Julie: So not a lot of parental involvement?

Theus: My family believed in the Sea Monkey School of child rearing, just dump them in the water and hope they build castles.

Julie: A self made man, eh. How’s the workmanship?

Theus: Shoddy from the ground up, but I’m not above taking on a contractor.

***

(Continued in Part 3)