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I have been preparing lately to have a daughter. I’m not expecting, nor willing, I just like having skills I don’t need. Part of this preparation has been an exhaustive meta analysis of Princess based literature, to better understand the lessons imparted and how that would blend with my parenting style. We shall begin with Snow White.
Snow White
The Plot:
A beautiful queen on the decline resents her foxy step-daughter and plans to kill her. The daughter flees to the woods and becomes an in-house domestic for a cottage of dwarven miners. The Queen finds out her step-daughter survived, poisons her, and is undone when a wandering prince makes out with the corpse and seeks vengeance. Happily ever after.
A fair reading of the subtext
Pleasing a gang of autistic midgets will keep you from getting your heart cut out, but be sure to keep your shit tight enough that when you meet that special someone you can lay motionless on the ground in the hopes he’ll find your limp form compelling enough to solve your problems for you.
Lessons inherent to the story
- Women hate other good looking women, so while beauty is the entirety of your worth it will also be your downfall. Sorry about that. Slut.
- Singing, sewing, and submissiveness are the three S’s of effective conflict resolution
- Don’t get old, the world will rise up against you
- It’s not rape if you’re sleeping, so marry the impulsive scoundrel and make an honest man of him.
Lessons that I hope my daughter will extract
- If you are going go to all of the trouble of crafting a magic poison apple maybe also grab a rock on the way there to give her head a good smash once she’s down. Just to cover your bases. Also magic poison seems less effective and more labor intensive, just use the regular kind.
- If you know that people are after you, and you are super tight with dwarves that own and operate a prolific diamond mine, borrow some diamonds and raise a mercenary army to crush the Evil queen. Her military is composed of talking mirrors and day laborers intimidated into hit jobs, it shouldn’t be that hard.
- If you have time to lounge about singing to animals then you have time to do some pushups and sharpen a fucking stick. You are not at theatre camp, this is a survival situation. Or instead of serenading bluebirds and rabbits yodel up some wolves and bears, be proactive. Show some pride. Lose your temper. Maybe the kingdom is better off with someone else running it.
Continued in Lesson From a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid , and Lessons From a Fantasy Princess: Sleeping Beauty
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Pingback: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid | Sam The Turtle
Whatever did happen to Snow White’s kingdom after her stepmother fell to her doom? As far as we know, she went off with her prince to his kingdom, where she may become a teen mom (she’s 14, by the way). No mention of her kingdom, or what the citizens felt about the royal family drama.
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Sadly this was not a time when the peasantry’s feelings were taken into consideration.
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And thus do many monarchs fall (in this case quite literally).
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Reblogged this on Down My Front and commented:
“sharpen a fucking stick” …I have been chuckling about this all day. I am reblogging this so that my own daughter can read it. I think she is a kick-ass stick-sharpener! Thanks.. ( I will also direct her to ‘the little mermaid’ post as this was her favourite story as a child).
I think your parenting skills are just fine!
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I am delighted beyond words that non-therorectical children are absorbing my suspect parental wisdom.
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“…magic poison seems less effective and more labor intensive, just use the regular kind.” Good tip. I’ll remember that one. 😉 Oh, and, “You are not at theatre camp, this is a survival situation.” As a thespian, I can relate to WANTING to be at theatre camp; but yeah, she wasn’t, though it appears that she thought she was. And, yeah, what ever did happen to her kingdom?
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I don’t know that they ever addressed it. I suppose I always assumed it was absorbed into Prince Charming’s once they were married, but there may well have been an ensuring civil war that soaked the countryside with blood and woe.
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Reblogged this on ashleesue1206's Blog.
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I loved the “do some pushups and sharpen a stick” line. I loved Disney as a kid. In my crazy teenage years I started finding flaws with it. Once I had my own kids–oh hell no, thank you. My daughter likes Tangled and Frozen the best, which is OK (mostly) but even she has Princess love. I try and reinforce to her being strong, smart, creative and a critical thinker are sooo much more important than being a princess in a pretty dress. Hell, if you have all of the above, the dresses will be available, and then you can have it ALL.
I think my favorite line in Frozen was when Elsa said –“You can’t marry someone you just met!” I laughed so hard, simply because it just canceled out years of Disney doing exactly that.
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“I loved the “do some pushups and sharpen a stick” line”
Thank you. That the personal trainer part of my nature creeping out. People who cannot see and refuse to pursue their innate strength is particular sore spot with me.
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I had an obsession with Cinderella as a child which completely fucked me up as an adult.. I won’t let my daughter (who’s 4) anywhere near that shit!! Wish I could have read this stuff when I started liking boys… My daughter LOVES frozen, too! So, glad she can obsess over something that’s at least slightly helpful to her subconscious.
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Again really funny and a great laugh. I must say though, God help your unborn daughter?! Actually, just by virtue of you writing this fantasy slander you know she’s going to come out being more into Disney princesses than you could have imagined, right? Lol Just wait for that moment when she bats her eyes staring up at you and asks you with a child-like lisp to buy her the Ariel movie and princess costume…you will be toast. And another one bites the dust. ;p
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Oh I understand that if my three year demanded in broken hearted tears that she wanted to be the little mermaid I’d be dressed as crab and dancing about the house in a heartbeat. Fortunately my childlessness lets me maintain my rugged iconoclast perspective.
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Lol well at least you admit it! Better get that crab get up ready and waiting. =) In the meantime feel free to direct your perspective at Cinderella…I’d love to read your take on that one.
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Haha glad I stumbled on this, too. I agree on being proactive. Mogley from jungle book had the right idea!
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When your animal friends are bears and orangutangs instead doves and mice you get things done.
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Wow! Another great read! I love your style! 🙂 x
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BRAVO!! Just BRAVO!! So honest yet hysterical!! I have 2 daughters (8 & 3) and although they do enjoy the Disney Princess’, my husband and I have made clear similar things to what yu said. That it’s unrealistic. A story. But should yu ever find yurself in one of these situations put yur big girl panties on and get that shit together. End result- cap gun toting, tiara wearing little girls 🙂
Thank yu for this. Definitely will be followingm
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Pingback: Lessons From a Disney Princess: Sleeping Beauty | Sam The Turtle
Another excellent post that I, for some odd reason, missed completely. Damn reader!
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Thank you, sir. Though when read back to the first one I’m glad the series is done. They really exploded in length and work as it went on.
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