About

Everything you need to know about me can be deduced from the above photo

– immense pain tolerance

– propensity for launching into colorful stories with implausible premises

– besieged by imaginary cakes and well wishers at all times

– owns zero shirts of appropriate size

– lives in brush pile behind red brick house

In event of further query feel free to email aj.valliant@gmail.com or hit me up on Twitter @AJValliant and I’ll add your question to our FAQ. And answer it. Possibly with lies.

14 thoughts on “About”

  1. I see you snagged the ajvalliant.com domain name. Way to stick it to that singing Irish albino!

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  2. I’m hardly one to criticize, especially since I went by “AJ” for 16 years, but “A.J. Valliant” sounds like a suburban Texas real estate agent, a Marvel superhero sidekick (I’m thinkin’ red tights and black man panties), or a San Francisco porn star.

    Was it your parents’ first time with magic mushrooms or did they just not read the warnings on the Benadryl?

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    • While I object to being cast as a property hunter the other two sidelines are top of the bucket list and emergency backup career plan, respectively (should the personal trainer game go sour).

      As for the name: on a very technical level it is Allan Jason Valliant, which is less slick but still seemingly fake. Such is my burden.

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      • I said San Francisco porn star. Think it through.

        Actually, your full name sounds more human, less molded 80s action figure. I’ll bet you’re an Allan when nobody’s looking. This is not a bad thing.

        Trainer, eh? What’s your current training split?

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        • It is varied and complicated. Without getting too fitness dorky:

          I just finished a three week Powerlifting strength protocol (Smolov jr) that is essentially a low volume, high weight, high frequency Squat/Deadlift/Bench regime.

          I’m now a couple week into Eric Cressy’s performance/stability protocol with a bunch of targeted hip/glute work added in to unload and repair some of the training stress of the strength phase.

          This, by the way, is why I almost never talk about the technical aspects of my day job. It’s the one subject I lose all glibness and wit and become a pedantic health professional. People have learned not to ask me simple question at parties lest they get a 45 minutes lecture on the Serratus Posterior’s role in pressing.

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          • I was a bodybuilder/powerlifter for 24 years, most of them in a hardcore gym in downtown Denver. I had to chase a Bronco running back off my sled on leg day once. He was nice; Elway was a dick.

            I did all my own research and simply asked the professionals I hung around with–when half your friends are bodybuilders and trainers, you don’t need to hire one. (Neener, neener!) Never did anyone else’s program in my life. My needs were unique. I had a highly physical job, highly physical hobbies, and an extremely sensitive system that wouldn’t let me get away with much stupidity. No special supplements, no special powders, no weird aerobics equipment. Why climb a plastic wall when you live in frickin’ Colorado?

            A lot of people approached me at the dumbbell rack and asked questions but, other than showing them proper form and a few tricks, I always told them the same thing: “Learn to hear what you’re body’s asking for today and don’t ignore pain, mental or physical. Because it all ends up becoming physical in the end.”

            My favorite split was a Push/Pull/Leg program I designed together with the weight room manager at Denver (R.I.P. Al, you were the best, baby!) I broke the record for the ladies’ sled with it (back injury from work won’t allow squats) and kept it going happily for ten years until my body asked for something else.

            So…you were saying about your split?

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            • I should clarify that I don’t mean complicated in the sense that others wouldn’t understand it, it is just a lot to write out. Essentially it’s six day split with Deadlift, Squat, and Bench done twice each and an array of anti-flexion, anti-rotation cable movement and isolateral dumbbell progressions.

              Mixed in is a bunch of Bret Contreas’ hip and glute building movements with a ton of core focusing on the intra-spinals and pelvic floor.Plus hours of mobility work.

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  3. Your writing is funny, blunt, unique, offensive and a breath of fresh air to a new generation… to be honest it’s a complete opposite of my writing style and I’m glad I read! I’m nominating you for the Liebster award tonight, 7pm Eastern time if you’re interested tune in.

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  4. Oh Mr. Valliant. The most Dali-esque train-of-Sunday-thoughts led me to look you up and see if you were still writing some place where I could partake. The laugh-and-tear-garbled attempt I made to read “both options were less absurd than dry-flaying my balls with the dollar store potato peeler” aloud to my teenage son was all I needed to be so grateful that you are and to have found it.

    I am also tickled to see that as of last summer, at least, you and the wonderful Sally were still rustling in the same breezes. Please – when/if this missive makes it to you – offer her a real hug so you can both get a pretend one from me. If neither of you are huggers, I’m okay with whatever works for you both… A salubrious high five? A darkly French kiss of more than 5 minute duration? A disco-era hip bump? I’m not here to judge. I just want you both to know that you have been remembered and missed and that I will come back here as often as I can to catch up.

    From the Frigid Hinterlands and Several Years Ago
    Sulya

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, this is a delightful surprise. Even though it was used to traumatize a young man I’m glad the running commentary of my neutering could bring some joy into your day. I hope you stick around.

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  6. He’s 14 in the digital age. It’s horrifying to admit but I’m not even sure what would traumatize him… Fortunately, as he has aged, we retain a shared and darker sense of humour. As such, I felt he would personally appreciate my having rediscovered you (cuz I was happy about it and so far he seems to still like and care about me) and your writing. The bigger issue was that I couldn’t read chosen sections out loud without laughter impeding the ability to communicate. Such is life. I will *definitely* stick around. Pleased to have so much to catch up on.

    I truly mean the following invitation as an utterly self-conscious and friendly and writer-to-writer overture not a narcissistic bid for attention: if you would like to see some of what I’ve been up to, I’ve moved into a new spot myself: sulyafenichel.com It’s built as a wordpress site but it’s a privately funded website space. Got knicker-twisty about keeping my shit on Canadian servers for some reason… Living with it for now. I have no idea what it is yet and only the vaguest idea of what I might want it to be… Perhaps that is as it should be?

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