Category Archives: ask sam

My Preemptive Enhanced Security Travel Admission form

10 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by in ask sam, Political Satire, Real Life Report

≈ Leave a comment

esta

  As consequence of recent regime change in the U.S.A it has become more difficult for travelers from afar to enter their country. Currently Canadians don’t need to fill out an ESTA form, but as a show of good faith to our paranoid American cousins I’m going to throw my trustable bonifides up for public consumption, to avoid being placed on any unfortunate lists. All statements are legitimately true with limited artistic embellishment.

 

ESTA-REGISTRATION FORM

General Information

Title : Viscount

Family Name : Valliant

First Name: Allan Jason George

Are you known by any other names or aliases ? (optional*): Pistachio, Frambojan, Creepy Mexican Guy on a bike, Ahmed Jamal, Alejandro Jesus, Richard Vanion, Slap Dandy, Buttons Delacroix, Robert Elliot, Scrote Totem, Da Realest.

Date of Birth: June 25 1976

City of birth : Ottawa

Country of birth : Canada

Gender : Male

Marital status: Essential married. I could leave town if I wanted to, but I feel like we’ve been together long enough that it should count.

Details about your health and your character

8th Level Personal Trainer

STR: 14 INT:15 WIS:4 DEX:11 CON:13 CHR:15

HP: 45

Continue reading →

Ask Sam: Terrorism lessons from Tim, the kindergarten jerk

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in ask sam, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Daily Prompt: SNAP

kitchen

Of late I have been growing more and more furious over the western media’s denigration of my religious icons and fundamental belief structures. I feel this growing fury that needs release, what would you say is the best course of action?

 Irate Sympathizer In Lockdown

Location Withheld

I’ve been there, Ira.

When I was in kindergarten there was this kid Tim that was always on my ass; taking my toys, telling the teacher I was swearing, bad mouthing Spider-man. And then one day, this ignorant mother fucker draws an unflattering picture of me and sticks it on the play kitchen wall. Where all the kids can see it.

Now. I had a few options, try and guess the appropriate one:

  • a) Tell the teacher like a little snitch and get Tim in trouble?
  • b) Take his lunch that he might starve in keeping with his artistic pretensions?
  • c) Draw an unflattering picture of him?
  • d) Organize a campaign to exclude him from recess activities?
  • e) Strap an improvised explosive device to the class gerbil when it’s Tim’s turn to take it home, in hopes that it will destroy him and the pig-dog family that birthed him?

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My Kids Stupid Questions: Monsters under the bed

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by in ask sam, Terrible Monsters

≈ 3 Comments

(In response to daily prompt: Bedtime )

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I am a childless man in my late thirties with unlimited wisdom and a suspicious amount of free time. My closest friends are exhausted, over- burdened, and filthy with children clamoring for answers. While I am a bad person, I am a good friend, so I’ve agreed to handle the overflow questions, provided my friends read my answer to their children, in full, without editorial interference.

 

Let us begin.

 

Dad used to check under my bed for monsters but now he says that there are no monsters. But I think that there are. Is there monsters under my bed?

  Jimmy, Age 5

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Letter Day: Mean Girls and Old Rebels

27 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in ask sam, Letters, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

ManOnRoof01August2013-55

My best friend is a self described rebel. It’s was cool in high school, noble in college, and sort of edgy but irritating in our late twenties. The dude is now thirty and he’s still all about the things he’s not about. Is there some age where rebellion stops being cool? Or have I just sold out and become part of the system?

Ex-Punk from Brampton

Here’s the thing XP, rebelling against The Man is always cool…but it only counts as rebelling if The Man gives a shit. When I was four years old, jamming a handful of rocks into my mouth was the act of a madman, and so against the social compact that strangers would bound from their houses to prevent it. When I was ten, I was suspended for farting into a pencil case and tricking my friend into smelling “these weird erasers I found”. I’m not sure what I was rebelling against there, but it was a great bit. High school was my peak rebellion window but I suspect The Man was more annoyed than outraged, past that everyone in my life was either too tolerant, indifferent, or wrapped up in their own shit to have strong reactions to my choices.

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Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions

14 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by in ask sam

≈ 11 Comments

 

stupidkids

I do not have children but my friends do. Children are, by their nature, quite stupid and prone to dying. My friends are very tired and would prefer their children be alive and smart, but often settle for alive. Eventually the kids start talking and demanding answers to questions with such volume and frequency that it breaks the human mind.

I do not have children, but I have answers. As a public service I have decided to dig into the backlog of questions that my friends are too exhausted to answer, and fill the gaps in their children’s knowledge . Each parent emailed me a list of queries and promised to read my response to their children in full, without editorial interference. I do not believe in speaking down to kids, so some of the terms and concepts may go over their heads, but I’m confident that the essential truth will make its way through.

  ***

Is the tooth Fairy real? Why does she give money for teeth?

 Brandon

Age 7 Continue reading →

“In defense of Ray Rice: A terrible drunken Mistake”

10 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in ask sam, Political Satire

≈ 2 Comments

ray-rice

*If you haven’t seen the video of the night in question it is readily available. I’m glad it was documented but I cannot bring myself to have something so ugly on my site*

The following are real comments, from real people, on a Ravens message board pontificating on how a good guy like Ray Rice is getting a bad rap for one drunken mistake. In the interest of public discourse I figured that I’d respond to them collectively, that we might examine the many nuances of “Does beating your wife half to death in a casino elevator really make you bad person?“. To some this is a straight forward proposition, for others…well, I’ll let them speak for themselves.

standing

 

 

“”I am not defending Ray Rice. All we know is that he had a drunken night with his wife and mistakes were made. People commit all sorts of stupid acts because they are drunk.”

 Very true. I once shat in a round garbage can two feet from my toilet because I was too drunk to tell the difference. I’ve carried abandoned furniture ten blocks in the rain, thinking my wife would praise me for bringing her an upholstered bench with all but one leg broken off. I have called 911 to get the number for a cab company and argued with the operator about the nature of the service that they were supposed to provide. Continue reading →