• About
  • TABLE OF CONTENTS

Flawed But Fixable

Flawed But Fixable

Category Archives: Terrible Monsters

Terrible Monsters: The Cherubim

02 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews, Terrible Monsters

≈ 12 Comments

Durer,_apocalisse,_12_il_mostro_marino_e_la_bestia

  As a young man I was led to believe that the villains of the bible were mainly disloyal friends and roman functionaries. The text was dry enough that I checked out once I absorbed the Christmas pageant/Easter sections, and assumed that I had missed nothing of note. In retrospect, bailing on the bible before reading revelations is like turning off a porno because you assumed that broke housewife will never be able to afford that pizza. Once the rapture kicks in the bible’s closing act is a grind house monster thriller with abominations that would make H.R. Geiger blush.

It’s from this blood-soaked, apocalyptic soil that we will cultivate our next batch of Terrible Monsters. First up: The Cherubim.

Cherubim

e2d7e7d0bce251546a02a6e6d06a0e5b--angels-and-demons-christian-art

Overview

cheri4

The Cherubim were the guardians of the gates of Eden, set there by God to ensure we could not return to our early place of grace and immortality, lost to us in a moment of careless fruit consumption. It seems harsh, but snatching apples is the biblical equivalent of taking someone else’s clearly labeled lunch from the work fridge. There are a few cursory descriptions of the Cherubim early in the bible, but it wasn’t until Revelations that the mad Prophet Ezekiel laid out the Cherubim’s convoluted physiology in a compelling, if confusing, freestyle verse. 

Ez 10- 8 The cherubim appeared to have the form of a man’s hand under their wings…  As for the form of their faces, each had the face of a man; all four had the face of a lion on the right and the face of a bull on the left, and all four had the face of an eagle. … Their whole body, their backs, their hands, their wings and the wheels were full of eyes all around, the wheels belonging to all four of them. The wheels were called in my hearing, the whirling wheels.  And each one had four faces. The first face was the face of a cherub, the second face was the face of a man, the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle… Each one had four faces and each one four wings, and beneath their wings was the form of human hands.

Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters:The Sphinx

21 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Terrible Monsters

≈ 13 Comments

Overview

anKWAPHINX

 The Sphinx was borne from the union of the no account snake torso-ed Goddess, Echidna,  and the deadbeat father of all monsters Typhon. Due to the eclectic genetics of her  parents her lovely human face was perched atop the body of a winged and ample bosomed lion, with a decorative snake tail on the back end. Note that she did not have a snakes tail, her tail was an entire Snake, attached to her lion butt.

3dc6185b378c471e3bc6768577dcb44d

The Sphinx’s early life is murky, but at some point she flew from her homeland of Ethiopia to take up residence on the coast near Athens, on a big rock by the road. Shunned by cliquish lions and smug people bodied humans the Sphinx grew embittered with the politics of her new home. Hungry and alone the Sphinx decided to channel the pain of her isolation into a cruel game of riddles that she would spring on passers by. The prize: go about your day. The punishment: Strangulation and then consumption. The historical records are unclear if she strangled them with her lions paws and ate them with her human mouth, or if she constricted the snake around their throats so it could then swallow them upwards into the Lion Butt. I imagine this being a source of contention for both ends.

ingres-oedipus

She ran this grift for an unspecified period of time until Oedipus sauntered by and solved her riddle. Yes, that Oedipus. The Sphinx took it poorly and committed suicide by hurling herself off of the side off of the rock. Oedipus went on to have a terrible day. The end.

Continue reading →

My Kids Stupid Questions: Monsters under the bed

12 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by A.J. Valliant in ask sam, Terrible Monsters

≈ 3 Comments

(In response to daily prompt: Bedtime )

1406479716924_wps_6_PARIS_FRANCE_UNDATED_Dieg

 

I am a childless man in my late thirties with unlimited wisdom and a suspicious amount of free time. My closest friends are exhausted, over- burdened, and filthy with children clamoring for answers. While I am a bad person, I am a good friend, so I’ve agreed to handle the overflow questions, provided my friends read my answer to their children, in full, without editorial interference.

 

Let us begin.

 

Dad used to check under my bed for monsters but now he says that there are no monsters. But I think that there are. Is there monsters under my bed?

  Jimmy, Age 5

Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters: The Alp

17 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Terrible Monsters

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

fantasy, monsters, myth, satire

alp

THE ALP

Overview:

Note the creature in the Foreground of the above painting; that is the Alp. In the background stands a crazy horse that also intended to smother that woman, only to be let down by lax planning. The painting was inspired by the German children’s tale “The Alp and the murderous horse who slept in”. The moral of the tale: “Only a few are murdered, but we are all the victims of poor time management”. I should back up. Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters: The Minotaur

18 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Terrible Monsters

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

folklore, satire

Overview

* It is important to understand the relationship between that of the Greek gods and their worshipers was less unknowable maker and subject, and more coked up frat boy and passed out fraternity pledge. If you wronged them you they might not strike you down, but you’d waken to the divine equivalent of dicks drawn on your face and carrots shoved up your ass. I say this not to damn them, but to assure you that the more depraved bits of this myths are taken straight from the text and not the product of exaggeration on my part.*

THE MINOTAUR

stencilmino

It was the olden days in Crete and there was a succession crisis brewing. As was the custom at the time, the tentative king, Minos, prayed to the gods to send some omen blessing the rightness of his claim. Poseidon, in a rare generous mood, sent a majestic white bull bursting forth from the sea foam, with the understanding that Minos would sacrifice it to commemorate his ascension to the throne.

Europa-And-The-Bull,-1650

Minos, ungrateful dick that he was, decided to unilaterally alter the terms of the contract, figuring he could keep the White Bull and sacrifice a scrub one from his herd in its place. I should mention that Crete was an Island kingdom and Poseidon was the god of the sea. Or, at least, someone should have mentioned it, as Minos seemed bizarrely confident that double crossing a vengeful deity with sway over two thirds of the Earth was an ace move that couldn’t possibly backfire.

 7970Poseidon_statue Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters: The Selkie

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Terrible Monsters

≈ 12 Comments

Faroese_stamp_580_the_seal_woman

Overview

eyes

If the oceans were a high school Selkies would be the damaged drama kid that discovered an English accent in the tenth grade and started dating the janitor because he used to be in a band. Selkies are magical seals with the questionable gift of shedding their skins to walk on land in the guise of humans. What would inspire a creature to give up a life frolicking in the waves for the drudgery of a bipedal existence on the Scottish coast?  Firstly, curiosity. Secondly, true love. Well, true love facilitated by the wrinkle that anyone who finds the Selkie’s shed skin can trap her in human form, forcing her to remain on land. You see Selkies were careless with both their hearts and their pelts, and momentary dalliances with fishermen could become long term relationships if their paramour stumbled upon the Selkies discarded husk before the Selkie’s walk of shame back to the ocean was complete.

Continue reading →

← Older posts

Recent Posts

  • Terrible Monsters of the World: The Wendigo
  • Death, defecation and unwanted prizes
  • Isaac The Ineffable: Act 2, Chapter One: May’s new job
  • Isaac The Ineffable: First act Epilogue
  • Isaac The Ineffable: Part Nine

Recent Comments

Terrible Monsters: L… on Terrible Monsters of the World…
Terrible Monsters: T… on Terrible Monsters of the World…
Terrible Monsters: B… on Terrible Monsters of the World…
Terrible Monsters: T… on Terrible Monsters of the World…
Terrible Monsters:Th… on Terrible Monsters of the World…

Archives

Top Posts & Pages

  • Irony Scale
    Irony Scale
  • Terrible Monsters: Lange Wapper (Long Strider)
    Terrible Monsters: Lange Wapper (Long Strider)
Follow Flawed But Fixable on WordPress.com
Follow Flawed But Fixable on WordPress.com

Categories

  • ask sam
  • Assessment Scale
  • Expose
  • Fatansy princess
  • Letters
  • Poetry
  • Political Satire
  • Prose
  • Real Life Report
  • Reviews
  • Terrible Monsters
  • Troubling true stories
  • Uncategorized

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Flawed But Fixable
    • Join 1,010 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Flawed But Fixable
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...