Category Archives: Letters

Letter Day: Shadows of the Past

06 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Assessment Scale, Letters

≈ 2 Comments

babystomp1

I used to run another site. We had a regular feature where readers would sends us letters and I would answer them publicly. These are some of my favorites.

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I’m a big fan of dog racing but can never pick the right dog. Do you have having any tips for picking a sure winner?

Davin,

Respero, AZ

 If Bugs Bunny has taught me anything (and it has taught me many thing) it is this: that the race will unfold in the fashion which allows for the most amusing name interactions. I picture the call going as such.

Announcer: Drunken mother stumbles out of the gate…Grandfathers Hug is within an inch of Bad Touch and keeping close… Repressed Memory pushing hard for the lead.

Announcer: Baldspot giving way to Daddies New Camero… Ill-conceived making a pass on School Girls Folly on the rail… Eloquent Stranger driving  Drunken Mother hard into the wall…Peeping Neighbor comes out of nowhere to inject some drama into the race.

Announcer: Baldspot is receding…Daddies New Camero is running out of gas late…Schools Girls Folly is overtaken by Bad Touch in an aggressive move…Statutory forcing his way through the pack…Oh my lord, Grandfathers Hug has just exploded past Repressed Memory to take the win.

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Letter Day: Mean Girls and Old Rebels

27 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in ask sam, Letters, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

ManOnRoof01August2013-55

My best friend is a self described rebel. It’s was cool in high school, noble in college, and sort of edgy but irritating in our late twenties. The dude is now thirty and he’s still all about the things he’s not about. Is there some age where rebellion stops being cool? Or have I just sold out and become part of the system?

Ex-Punk from Brampton

Here’s the thing XP, rebelling against The Man is always cool…but it only counts as rebelling if The Man gives a shit. When I was four years old, jamming a handful of rocks into my mouth was the act of a madman, and so against the social compact that strangers would bound from their houses to prevent it. When I was ten, I was suspended for farting into a pencil case and tricking my friend into smelling “these weird erasers I found”. I’m not sure what I was rebelling against there, but it was a great bit. High school was my peak rebellion window but I suspect The Man was more annoyed than outraged, past that everyone in my life was either too tolerant, indifferent, or wrapped up in their own shit to have strong reactions to my choices.

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Letter Day: Why can’t we be friends?

22 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by in ask sam, Assessment Scale, Letters

≈ 3 Comments

Falcor---The-NeverEnding-St

Dear Sam,

 I have been dating “Chad” for two years and he is my best friend, confidant, and the person who most helped me grow into the adult that I needed to be. I love him, but I am no longer “in love” with him. I met a guy at work and I want to pursue it, but I still really want to remain friends. How do I go about explaining this without hurting his feelings or ruining our chance for a healthy platonic friendship.

 Carol B.,

Brampton, On

Carol, you lost your chance at a healthy platonic relationship the third time you threw down. Sex makes babies and kills friendships. You can no more re-friend someone than you can un-fuck them. You can’t remain friends, because you are not friends. You are lovers.

Ending romantic intimacy, while demanding friendship, is akin to slashing someone’s tires and then insisting they drive you to the airport on their bare and sparking rims. Even if he wanted to you are not making it to the terminal, and there is a good chance his gas tank catches fire and explodes. So maybe just take a cab and let him call a tow truck to haul away the wreckage.

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Letter Day: Questions of Literacy and Animal Interns

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by in Letters, Reviews

≈ 6 Comments

BANGLENNY

Your Literary critiques seem to be confined to works of children’s literature and film. Are you so copacetic with the heroes of adult works of fiction that you do not feel the need to turn your lens upon them? Or do you simply read at fifth grade level?

Michael K.

Location Withheld

 

Mostly the latter, I’m afraid. Though I have listened to the audio books of several great works of fiction and formed a few opinions. Critiquing proper novels, however, would demand a lengthy and tedious slog into half assed academia that I am neither suited to nor motivated by.

Still, just to keep things in balance, I’ll give a bare bones breakdown of a few literary classics.

 

A Tale of Two Cities

tale_of_two_citiesFair Reading of Subtext: A dude who looks like another dude meets a girl who likes both. It works out well for one of them.

My take: Is there a more troublingly narcissistic act of martyrdom than allowing yourself to be executed so your doppelganger can bone the girl that you are crushing on? This is defective friendzone behavior taken to an unimaginable low. Where’s your pride, Sydney?

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Real Damn Letters: Poetry on demand

17 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Letters

≈ 5 Comments

thelionwitchwardrobe1sted

Can you write an R. Kelly “trapped in the closet” style R&B epic about the land of Narnia? My girlfriend is a big fan of both and this would be a great early Christmas present.

Romantic Dan

   You want me to write a sexy, C.S. Lewis inspired, R&B epic about infidelity, for your girlfriend…for Christmas? I’m not sure you sending an email and having someone else do the composition really counts as a present on your part, but yeah, I’ll give it a shot. Though a slow jam R&B song doesn’t really translate to print so I’ma have to do this battle rap style. Yo….somebody give me a beat. This is a little number I call “I’ll lie with your bitch in the wardrobe”

 [I’ve a linked a few names and terms to wikipedia to provide a little context. ]

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Murder In Riverdale: An Expose, Part 1

10 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Expose, Letters

≈ 2 Comments

Archie-and-gang-4801

Who do you feel is responsible for rash of unexplained deaths and mysterious disappearances in Riverdale throughout the mid 1980’s. My personal investigation has raised many troubling questions but I was never able to fully zero in on a suspect.

  Muffled in Midvale

  I was not going to answer this question initially. A website of our notoriety gets dozens of crank letters on a weekly basis and they rarely warrant reply. On a whim, though, I began an email correspondence with Muffled, and what began as a pleasant nostalgic lark soon soured into a grim examination of a heartland community torn apart by violence, mayhem, and a string of unclaimed bodies that could tie a yellow ribbon around a forest of oak trees. Consider the following actuarial table I was able to procure via a freedom of information request:

Actuarial table of leading causes of death in Riverdale from 1983-87

Total Fatalities Cause of Death
187 Lethal trauma from chemistry class accidents, including but not limited to: corrosive smoke inhalation, burn damage, getting exploded, and fatal transmogrification
144 Heart Disease
112 Crushed beneath wheels of negligently maintained Jalopy
92 Cancer
88 Talking to Midge
85 Missing: Assumed Dead
83 Drowning while distracted lifeguard ogles swimsuit clad women
78 Incidental mayhem during background sight gag
71 Malted Milk borne Ecoil outbreak
68 Suicide
68 Ruptured stomach during Annual Burger/Pie eating contest
44 Slipping into coma after elaborate dream sequence
35 Diphtheria
32 Victim of witchcraft
20 Severe blood loss incurred while cutting out paper outfits
18 Tramped during over-matched football game against Central High
16 Interfering with culinary duties of classically trained French Chef
4 Face saving attempt to complete implausible boast.
2 Poorly worded wishing

While the shocking lack of exact population data in the census makes a full analysis difficult, as does the Riverdale chamber of commerce’s baffling refusal to provide precise geographic information, the bones of a conspiracy are clear to see. After a careful review of archival news footage, police records, and an exhaustive series of phone and email interviews, I have been able to narrow the suspects down to the six most likely candidates.

 

Who did it?

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