Your Literary critiques seem to be confined to works of children’s literature and film. Are you so copacetic with the heroes of adult works of fiction that you do not feel the need to turn your lens upon them? Or do you simply read at fifth grade level?

Michael K.

Location Withheld

 

Mostly the latter, I’m afraid. Though I have listened to the audio books of several great works of fiction and formed a few opinions. Critiquing proper novels, however, would demand a lengthy and tedious slog into half assed academia that I am neither suited to nor motivated by.

Still, just to keep things in balance, I’ll give a bare bones breakdown of a few literary classics.

 

A Tale of Two Cities

Fair Reading of Subtext: A dude who looks like another dude meets a girl who likes both. It works out well for one of them.

My take: Is there a more troublingly narcissistic act of martyrdom than allowing yourself to be executed so your doppelganger can bone the girl that you are crushing on? This is defective friendzone behavior taken to an unimaginable low. Where’s your pride, Sydney?

Of Mice and Men

Fair Reading of Subtext: It is bad to have retarded friends and you should probably shoot them in the head before things get out of hand.

My Take: I’m not going to lie, I’ve covertly drawn my pistol when guests stumble over simple words at a dinner party. But one simply does not pull the trigger. Even Texas won’t execute the developmentally disabled. Dick move, Steinbeck.

 

Lord of The Flies

Fair Reading of Subtext: Kid are assholes, never trust a ginger, and it is bad to be fat and slow.

My take: This was an entirely accurate depiction of fat kids, gingers, and the brutality of ten year olds left alone for more than an hour. My only real issue was the lack of an epilogue where Jack’s experience in ritual murder, contagious group think, and the exploitation of helpless boys fuels his rise through the catholic church.

***

 

If you had to hire some sort of animal to work for your company (you know, for tax reasons) what sort of animal would you chose? I’m asking for a friend.

The Denizens of The Woods,

AlgonquinPark

Sadly Denizens, past attempts at circumventing tax law have left my former company in ruin and the prospect of starting a new one quite daunting. I suppose could use a blog intern, though. Someone to fetch coffee, whisper encouragement, and proof my angry letters to celebrities. I could write a masters thesis on the relative merits of each species, but in the interest of brevity I’ll do a light dusting of the most suitable, in chart form.

 

A SCIENTIFIC ASSESSMENTS ON THE  MERITS AND DEFICITS OF PROSPECTIVE ANIMALS INTERNS