Category Archives: Political Satire

The Company You Keep

16 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by in Political Satire

≈ 2 Comments

free candy

If the city announced an new law that barred unaccompanied adult males from public parks I can see myself getting a tad riled up. The unfairness might even drive me to attend a protest at a nearby park, where I could air my grievance around like minded citizens. But once I arrived, were I to notice that the parking lot contained an unusual amount of sleeper vans with the window blacked out, and several greasy creeps were unfurling a king sized NAMBLA banner, I would quickly realize things had gone terribly wrong…and by the time the “The slides are made for ookie hugs, let us fuck your children” chants began, I would be ten blocks away and fully aware that I had momentarily been on the wrong side of history.

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My Preemptive Enhanced Security Travel Admission form

10 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by in ask sam, Political Satire, Real Life Report

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esta

  As consequence of recent regime change in the U.S.A it has become more difficult for travelers from afar to enter their country. Currently Canadians don’t need to fill out an ESTA form, but as a show of good faith to our paranoid American cousins I’m going to throw my trustable bonifides up for public consumption, to avoid being placed on any unfortunate lists. All statements are legitimately true with limited artistic embellishment.

 

ESTA-REGISTRATION FORM

General Information

Title : Viscount

Family Name : Valliant

First Name: Allan Jason George

Are you known by any other names or aliases ? (optional*): Pistachio, Frambojan, Creepy Mexican Guy on a bike, Ahmed Jamal, Alejandro Jesus, Richard Vanion, Slap Dandy, Buttons Delacroix, Robert Elliot, Scrote Totem, Da Realest.

Date of Birth: June 25 1976

City of birth : Ottawa

Country of birth : Canada

Gender : Male

Marital status: Essential married. I could leave town if I wanted to, but I feel like we’ve been together long enough that it should count.

Details about your health and your character

8th Level Personal Trainer

STR: 14 INT:15 WIS:4 DEX:11 CON:13 CHR:15

HP: 45

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“In defense of Ray Rice: A terrible drunken Mistake”

10 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in ask sam, Political Satire

≈ 2 Comments

ray-rice

*If you haven’t seen the video of the night in question it is readily available. I’m glad it was documented but I cannot bring myself to have something so ugly on my site*

The following are real comments, from real people, on a Ravens message board pontificating on how a good guy like Ray Rice is getting a bad rap for one drunken mistake. In the interest of public discourse I figured that I’d respond to them collectively, that we might examine the many nuances of “Does beating your wife half to death in a casino elevator really make you bad person?“. To some this is a straight forward proposition, for others…well, I’ll let them speak for themselves.

standing

 

 

“”I am not defending Ray Rice. All we know is that he had a drunken night with his wife and mistakes were made. People commit all sorts of stupid acts because they are drunk.”

 Very true. I once shat in a round garbage can two feet from my toilet because I was too drunk to tell the difference. I’ve carried abandoned furniture ten blocks in the rain, thinking my wife would praise me for bringing her an upholstered bench with all but one leg broken off. I have called 911 to get the number for a cab company and argued with the operator about the nature of the service that they were supposed to provide. Continue reading →

I suppose Murder is legal then

16 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Political Satire

≈ 1 Comment

kitkat_blood_orange_package

So this seventeen year old thug went to the store to buy some skittles and a civic minded vigilante followed him, provoked a fight, began losing said fight, and then quite reasonably drew his gun and murdered the child. In order to stand his ground. Oh yeah, the kid was black. As I understand this played no role anyone’s motivations: it’s not why Zimmerman followed him, it’s not why the police let things lie for a month or two, it’s not why a subsection of the public pumped hundreds of thousands of dollars into a murderers bank account. If Zimmerman’s lawyer is too be believed Trayvon himself may have been unaware he was black. This was just some hilarious three’s company-esque misunderstanding that happens all the time in neighborhood watch circles.

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Response to a tragedy

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in Political Satire

≈ 6 Comments

gohmert

Response to a tragedy

“‘I wish to God she had had an M-4 in her office, locked up so when she heard gunfire, she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands and takes him out and takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids,'”

  Rep. Louie Gohmert  on Fox News Sunday
 

   Louie Gohmert, truly you are the last reasonable man. Of all elected officials only you had the courage to point out the truth: it’s not the abundance of guns that causes mass shootings, it’s the scarcity.

In times like these we must find the courage to ask hard questions: Why didn’t that kindergarten teacher have an assault rifle close at hand? What kind of society would task someone to shape young minds, yet deny them the necessary fire power? Why, they could keep it in a case by the blackboard and have the class name it as they would a turtle or hamster.

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