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Category Archives: Reviews

Terrible Monsters: The Cherubim

02 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews, Terrible Monsters

≈ 12 Comments

Durer,_apocalisse,_12_il_mostro_marino_e_la_bestia

  As a young man I was led to believe that the villains of the bible were mainly disloyal friends and roman functionaries. The text was dry enough that I checked out once I absorbed the Christmas pageant/Easter sections, and assumed that I had missed nothing of note. In retrospect, bailing on the bible before reading revelations is like turning off a porno because you assumed that broke housewife will never be able to afford that pizza. Once the rapture kicks in the bible’s closing act is a grind house monster thriller with abominations that would make H.R. Geiger blush.

It’s from this blood-soaked, apocalyptic soil that we will cultivate our next batch of Terrible Monsters. First up: The Cherubim.

Cherubim

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Overview

cheri4

The Cherubim were the guardians of the gates of Eden, set there by God to ensure we could not return to our early place of grace and immortality, lost to us in a moment of careless fruit consumption. It seems harsh, but snatching apples is the biblical equivalent of taking someone else’s clearly labeled lunch from the work fridge. There are a few cursory descriptions of the Cherubim early in the bible, but it wasn’t until Revelations that the mad Prophet Ezekiel laid out the Cherubim’s convoluted physiology in a compelling, if confusing, freestyle verse. 

Ez 10- 8 The cherubim appeared to have the form of a man’s hand under their wings…  As for the form of their faces, each had the face of a man; all four had the face of a lion on the right and the face of a bull on the left, and all four had the face of an eagle. … Their whole body, their backs, their hands, their wings and the wheels were full of eyes all around, the wheels belonging to all four of them. The wheels were called in my hearing, the whirling wheels.  And each one had four faces. The first face was the face of a cherub, the second face was the face of a man, the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle… Each one had four faces and each one four wings, and beneath their wings was the form of human hands.

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Letter Day: Questions of Literacy and Animal Interns

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Letters, Reviews

≈ 6 Comments

BANGLENNY

Your Literary critiques seem to be confined to works of children’s literature and film. Are you so copacetic with the heroes of adult works of fiction that you do not feel the need to turn your lens upon them? Or do you simply read at fifth grade level?

Michael K.

Location Withheld

 

Mostly the latter, I’m afraid. Though I have listened to the audio books of several great works of fiction and formed a few opinions. Critiquing proper novels, however, would demand a lengthy and tedious slog into half assed academia that I am neither suited to nor motivated by.

Still, just to keep things in balance, I’ll give a bare bones breakdown of a few literary classics.

 

A Tale of Two Cities

tale_of_two_citiesFair Reading of Subtext: A dude who looks like another dude meets a girl who likes both. It works out well for one of them.

My take: Is there a more troublingly narcissistic act of martyrdom than allowing yourself to be executed so your doppelganger can bone the girl that you are crushing on? This is defective friendzone behavior taken to an unimaginable low. Where’s your pride, Sydney?

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Proof: A chronicle of a day spent drinking rotgut for art

24 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews

≈ 3 Comments

proof whisky

My friend Simon asked me to write a tasting review for iscotch. As a lark I asked to review the worst, nastiest, rotgut hooch that could lay claim to the whiskey name. He obliged.

Click here For my iscotch Review

In a moment of even deeper folly I decided to drink the whole bottle early Saturday afternoon, when I have a work Christmas party at 7pm, and to keep a journal chronicling my descent, drink by drink.

Journal:

Drink one:

I’ve only just opened the bottle and the bar music from “Leaving Los Vegas” is playing in my head. I feel such a strong connection with Nic Cage that I’m sure the teachings of Scientology could have kept me from this foolhardy course of action.

The bouquet smells like a fresh suicide note written in dry erase marker. The booze at least makes a pleasant burbling noise when poured.

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Behind the Curve: Which brings us to Yeezus

07 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews

≈ 2 Comments

  Image

 Music journalism is saturated with timely critique by thoughtful taste makers, we here at Sam The Turtle prefer to operate in the post trendy-pre retro undereducated opinion space. We are behind the curve, but you’d be surprised by what you can see half a lap back. Today I listened to Yeezus.

   Kayne wants everything more than I want anything and feels worse about having gotten it than a starving orphan. By his account no one has ever understood him, given him his due, or allowed him to finish a thought. Yeezus is his tantrum to that effect.

 This is the howl of Narcissus drowning, the crunch of Scrooge being crushed by shifting bullion on a late night money bin swim, and fuck me if it isn’t amazing. How can something this self serving and unwarranted be this visceral and affecting?

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Retroactive Book Reviews From My childhood.

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews

≈ 3 Comments

As I child I had strong opinions on literature but limited attention and opportunity to express them. In an effort to remedy this I’m going to retroactively review every book I’ve ever read in capsule form. As best I recall these were my impressions at the time I read them, or at least how my adult mind has reconstructed them.

 Capsule Reviews

Encyclopedia Brown:

 Encyclopedia_Brown,_Boy_Detective_(1963)

  Hey, Encyclopedia Brown, how about you settle the fuck down and mind your own business. Maybe delve into the mystery of how long your father can keep from hanging himself when he’s emasculated nightly by you solving his case load over dinner. Or perhaps I’m being unfair, maybe all police chiefs have their ten year old sons processing rape kits in the carport for 25cents a pop, like some fucked up SVU lemonade stand.

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I Finally Finished The Wheel of Time

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Reviews

≈ Leave a comment

Wheel-of-Time

I started the books twenty years ago because I was bored. I’m still bored, but I’ve finally finished the damn story. The millennium passed, the author died, and I started getting laid and still the books continued. Given the four million words the series has had to make it’s case I hesitate to add more to the pile, yet surely patience pays some wage?

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