The Company You Keep

free candy

If the city announced an new law that barred unaccompanied adult males from public parks I can see myself getting a tad riled up. The unfairness might even drive me to attend a protest at a nearby park, where I could air my grievance around like minded citizens. But once I arrived, were I to notice that the parking lot contained an unusual amount of sleeper vans with the window blacked out, and several greasy creeps were unfurling a king sized NAMBLA banner, I would quickly realize things had gone terribly wrong…and by the time the “The slides are made for ookie hugs, let us fuck your children” chants began, I would be ten blocks away and fully aware that I had momentarily been on the wrong side of history.

Continue reading

Terrible Monsters: The Cherubim

Durer,_apocalisse,_12_il_mostro_marino_e_la_bestia

  As young man I was led to believe that the villains of the bible were mainly disloyal friends and roman functionaries with an over-zealous commitment to centralised governance. The text was dry enough that I checked out once I absorbed the Christmas pageant/Easter sections, and assumed that I had missed nothing of note. In retrospect, bailing on the bible before reading revelations is like turning off a porno because you assume that broke housewife will never be able to afford that pizza. Once the rapture kicks in the bible’s closing act is a grind house monster thriller with abominations that would make H.R. Geiger blush.

It’s from this blood-soaked, apocalyptic soil that we will cultivate our next batch of Terrible Monsters. First up: The Cherubim.

Cherubim

e2d7e7d0bce251546a02a6e6d06a0e5b--angels-and-demons-christian-art

Overview

cheri4

The Cherubim were the guardians of the gates of Eden, set there by God to ensure we could not return to our early place of grace and immortality, lost to us in a moment of careless fruit consumption. It seems harsh, but snatching apples is the biblical equivalent of taking someones else’s clearly labeled lunch from the work fridge.There are a few cursory descriptions of the Cherubim early in the bible, but it wasn’t until Revelations that the mad Prophet Ezekiel laid out the Cherubim’s convoluted physiology in a compelling, if confusing, freestyle verse. 

Ez 10- 8 The cherubim appeared to have the form of a man’s hand under their wings…  As for the form of their faces, each had the face of a man; all four had the face of a lion on the right and the face of a bull on the left, and all four had the face of an eagle. … Their whole body, their backs, their hands, their wings and the wheels were full of eyes all around, the wheels belonging to all four of them. The wheels were called in my hearing, the whirling wheels.  And each one had four faces. The first face was the face of a cherub, the second face was the face of a man, the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle… Each one had four faces and each one four wings, and beneath their wings was the form of human hands.

Continue reading

My Preemptive Enhanced Security Travel Admission form

esta

  As consequence of recent regime change in the U.S.A it has become more difficult for travelers from afar to enter their country. Currently Canadians don’t need to fill out an ESTA form, but as a show of good faith to our paranoid American cousins I’m going to throw my trustable bonifides up for public consumption, to avoid being placed on any unfortunate lists. All statements are legitimately true with limited artistic embellishment.

 

ESTA-REGISTRATION FORM

General Information

Title : Viscount

Family Name : Valliant

First Name: Allan Jason George

Are you known by any other names or aliases ? (optional*): Pistachio, Frambojan, Creepy Mexican Guy on a bike, Ahmed Jamal, Alejandro Jesus, Richard Vanion, Slap Dandy, Buttons Delacroix, Robert Elliot, Scrote Totem, Da Realest.

Date of Birth: June 25 1976

City of birth : Ottawa

Country of birth : Canada

Gender : Male

Marital status: Essential married. I could leave town if I wanted to, but I feel like we’ve been together long enough that it should count.

Details about your health and your character

8th Level Personal Trainer

STR: 14 INT:15 WIS:4 DEX:11 CON:13 CHR:15

HP: 45

Continue reading

Lesser Horrors and Lurking Samaritans: The Wulver

 

Wulver

wulverpunch

 

Overview :

  There are many troubling things about Scotland and most of them are in the water.  It’s not discussed widely, but if you press any Scotsman he will concede that somewhere within the Lochs and lakes of their plaid addled water ways lies a creature of unknown origin and inscrutable intent.. No, not that one. Or the other one. I speak of the Wulver, a wolf headed man that fishes from the shore, or in a boat, and who sometimes wears a jacket. It is said that if you lock eyes with this dammed creature, cruelly trapped between the worlds of men and beasts, that he might make a little small talk before giving you some of his extra fish, only to move politely along without inconveniencing you too much.

 That is the entire myth. A hybrid man/wolf that likes to fish and is generous with his catch. Sometimes he dresses up a bit. It’s been around for at least a thousand years and those are the net details available.

wulver

Country of origin: Scotland

Continue reading

One Line made it through

leonard-cohen-1974

The first time I paid attention she was topless and dancing to a tape she’d brought from home. It was a beautiful song that described who we were and who’d we become, but I was entirely hers in the moment. One line made it through, though “Most of you was naked, ah, but some of you was light”. She left the tape and I listened to it until I wanted to be old and filled with a regret that ached and emptied me until there was nothing left but a few perfect sentences. I wanted to be tired and wise and have good things fall from my hands in beautiful patterns. Continue reading