One Line made it through

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The first time I paid attention she was topless and dancing to a tape she’d brought from home. It was a beautiful song that described who we were and who’d we become, but I was entirely hers in the moment. One line made it through, though “Most of you was naked, ah, but some of you was light”. She left the tape and I listened to it until I wanted to be old and filled with a regret that ached and emptied me until there was nothing left but a few perfect sentences. I wanted to be tired and wise and have good things fall from my hands in beautiful patterns. Continue reading

The upside of Agony: President Trump

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We here at Sam The Turtle believe that each crisis is lined with silver opportunity, and that a dropped pie is just a series of irregular floor tarts that you didn’t know you wanted. Yes, the idea of President Trump is unnerving, but real good could come from it. For Example.

The Upside of President Trump

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1. The once in a lifetime sight of Bernie Sanders crouched on the toll booth of the ambassador bridge, giving sarcastic thumbs up to the hordes of fleeing democrats.

2.An answer to the age old question “What if Chachi was secretary of the interior”.

3.Canadians can feel smug about something other than free healthcare.

4.The first meaningful victory for the “Why can’t I marry my own daughter?” legislative movement.

5.Terrorist might feel sorry for the U.S. and move their Jihad to a country with something to lose.

6.We could witness Donna Brazile slapping the shit out of Anderson Cooper for no discernible reason.

7.I can finally become a freelance neurosurgeon in the Post-Job Qualification era that will ensue.

8.I can see actual fantasy Orcs emerging from hiding to take staff roles in the new government; Orcs = Elves, Elves = cookies.

9.Civil War reenactors potentially getting some fresh material.

Review: Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

A few years back my friend Simon asked if I wanted to write a review for a fancy scotch website. I lack sophistication in general, and have a palette crass enough it would shame a Komodo dragon, so I agreed on terms that it would have to be a rotgut brew that I could have some fun with. This was a terrible idea in the moment, and set a horrible precedent that can only end in Cirrhosis. Earlier this week the other shoe dropped and I reviewed

The Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

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It was a mistake and I am now blind in one eye. Still, worth reading though.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me : Care Bears, Hercules

*(A Fifteen year old throw back from my old site, with a touch of modern editing)

The Care Bears

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I don’t know if they were a bunch ursine empathic vampires trying to pass themselves off as good Samaritans, or just some cosplay midgets that couldn’t mind their own  business. Either way I found them intrusive and unsettling. As a race they were the weird girl at the office that cries when someones lunch is stolen and extends a harassment seminar by a half hour so she can recount the contentious tone of her last book club meeting. Nobody gives a fuck, toughen up.

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My Kids stupid questions? Who is Santa’s Boss?

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  I do not have children, but I have answers. As a public service I have decided to dig into the backlog of questions that my friends are too exhausted to answer, and fill the gaps in their children’s knowledge . Each parent emailed me a list of queries and promised to read my response to their children in full, without editorial interference. I do not believe in speaking down to children, so some of the terms and concepts may go over their heads, but I’m confident that the essential truth will make its way through.

Why does Santa care if children are good or bad? I know it’s magic and that’s why he knows everything and can bring stuff everywhere, but why spy on everyone and then bring a toy to the good ones? What does he get out of it? If it’s his job then who is his boss?

Micheal, age 11

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Dear Sansa, You Soulless Ginger Hooker

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(This contains nothing but Spoilers for Game Of  Thrones)

  Dear Sansa,

The first rule of Stark club is that you do not talk about Stark club. The second rule: if your brother has been murdered and then zombified trying to free you from a rape castle, and is currently throwing his life away trying to liberate your ancestral home, don’t withhold key tactical information and takes sides with the slug that arranged your fathers murder, threw your aunt down a hole, and friend-zone stalked your mother her whole life. Specific and lengthy, but powerful. Now you could argue that Jon is a bastard so that rule doesn’t apply, and I could argue that you were born with Cinderella’s beauty, the ugly step sister’s temperament, and the pumpkins intellect, character, and hair.

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