Who do you feel is responsible for rash of unexplained deaths and mysterious disappearances in Riverdale throughout the mid 1980’s. My personal investigation has raised many troubling questions but I was never able to fully zero in on a suspect.
Muffled in Midvale
I was not going to answer this question initially. A website of our notoriety gets dozens of crank letters on a weekly basis and they rarely warrant reply. On a whim, though, I began an email correspondence with Muffled, and what began as a pleasant nostalgic lark soon soured into a grim examination of a heartland community torn apart by violence, mayhem, and a string of unclaimed bodies that could tie a yellow ribbon around a forest of oak trees. Consider the following actuarial table I was able to procure via a freedom of information request:
Actuarial table of leading causes of death in Riverdale from 1983-87
|Total Fatalities||Cause of Death|
|187||Lethal trauma from chemistry class accidents, including but not limited to: corrosive smoke inhalation, burn damage, getting exploded, and fatal transmogrification|
|112||Crushed beneath wheels of negligently maintained Jalopy|
|88||Talking to Midge|
|85||Missing: Assumed Dead|
|83||Drowning while distracted lifeguard ogles swimsuit clad women|
|78||Incidental mayhem during background sight gag|
|71||Malted Milk borne Ecoil outbreak|
|68||Ruptured stomach during Annual Burger/Pie eating contest|
|44||Slipping into coma after elaborate dream sequence|
|32||Victim of witchcraft|
|20||Severe blood loss incurred while cutting out paper outfits|
|18||Tramped during over-matched football game against Central High|
|16||Interfering with culinary duties of classically trained French Chef|
|4||Face saving attempt to complete implausible boast.|
|2||Poorly worded wishing|
While the shocking lack of exact population data in the census makes a full analysis difficult, as does the Riverdale chamber of commerce’s baffling refusal to provide precise geographic information, the bones of a conspiracy are clear to see. After a careful review of archival news footage, police records, and an exhaustive series of phone and email interviews, I have been able to narrow the suspects down to the six most likely candidates.
Who did it?