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  As consequence of recent regime change in the U.S.A it has become more difficult for travelers from afar to enter their country. Currently Canadians don’t need to fill out an ESTA form, but as a show of good faith to our paranoid American cousins I’m going to throw my trustable bonifides up for public consumption, to avoid being placed on any unfortunate lists. All statements are legitimately true with limited artistic embellishment.

 

ESTA-REGISTRATION FORM

General Information

Title : Viscount

Family Name : Valliant

First Name: Allan Jason George

Are you known by any other names or aliases ? (optional*): Pistachio, Frambojan, Creepy Mexican Guy on a bike, Ahmed Jamal, Alejandro Jesus, Richard Vanion, Slap Dandy, Buttons Delacroix, Robert Elliot, Scrote Totem, Da Realest.

Date of Birth: June 25 1976

City of birth : Ottawa

Country of birth : Canada

Gender : Male

Marital status: Essential married. I could leave town if I wanted to, but I feel like we’ve been together long enough that it should count.

Details about your health and your character

8th Level Personal Trainer

STR: 14 INT:15 WIS:4 DEX:11 CON:13 CHR:15

HP: 45

Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict? *

I am not communicable. My right ankle is low on cartridge and makes alarming popping sounds when I stand. I have a disorder of attentional deficit. What counts as abuse? I mean, I’m still making it to work most days so I feel like I have things under control.

Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or have been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or have been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?

I have never been successfully prosecuted for crimes of moral turpitude. Or anything else. There was a close call in high school but I had a good lawyer. Morality is subjective…so maybe.

Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?

Certainly there’s a tendency towards emotional self sabotage, and I’ve been know to read a poorly hidden diary, but I feel like I’ve moved past that sort of thing. Barring blackout drunk time travelling I’m clear on the Nazi front as well.

Are you seeking to work in the U.S.; or have you ever been excluded and deported; or been previously removed from the United States or procured or attempted to procure a visa or entry into the U.S. by fraud or misrepresentation?

My whole town was once banned from Alexandria Bay due to a bar fight on the 4th of July. However, the edict was deliver by three bouncers from the largest bar so I am unsure if it would hold up under appeal.

Have you ever detained, retained or withheld custody of a child from a U.S. citizen granted custody of the child?

I won’t even babysit.

Have you ever asserted immunity from prosecution ?

I have often asserted my immunity from prosecution. In all cases the legal basis for this claim was contested and I was asked to return my wives socks without further protest.

Have you ever stayed in the United States longer than the admission period granted to you by the U.S. government?

I have too many things on the go to dawdle on vacation.

Do you have a physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict; or do you currently have any of the following diseases (communicable diseases are specified pursuant to section 361(b) of the Public Health Service Act): Cholera,, Diphtheria, Tuberculosis, infectious, Plague, Smallpox, Yellow Fever,Viral Hemorrhagic Fevers, including Ebola, Lassa, Marburg, Crimean-Congo, Severe acute respiratory illnesses capable of transmission to other persons and likely to cause mortality.

I already answered the disorder question, stop hounding me. I do currently have the Plague.

Have you travelled* to, or been present in Iraq, Syria, Iran, or Sudan on or after March 1, 2011?

I have not been to those counties within that time frame.

Additional Details

People like me.