As I explained last time my friends children are as stupid as their questions are endless. To help out I’m answering some of the overflow on the condition that my friends read my answers back to their children without paraphrase. This batch waded into deeper waters but I still managed to hold back the tide of ignorance. Let’s get to it.



“In history class our teacher told us Monks sometimes set themselves on fire to protest things. Why would anyone set themselves on fire to make a point? Has it ever worked?”

Age 13

There are two kind of points, Daniel.

1. I am saying this and here is the substance of the matter


2. I am feeling strongly about some thing and here is the material proof of said feeling

You can only make the first sort of point to someone who is listening. The second point generally comes about as a side affect of being unheard, thwarted, or filled so fucking full of crazy that you lose a little perspective.

For instance, the initial immolant in question is a man who finds himself at an impasse between his options and his principles. Ultimately monks set themselves on fire for the same reasons that dudes who live with crazy girlfriends punch walls: when you are trapped by circumstance in an irrational and hostile environment sometimes the only ethical choice is to destroy a support wall, television, or in extreme cases… set yourself on fire. Pick your romantic partners and religious orders with all due care.

A religious adherent is essentially a heedless gambler who accepted a strange bet in a weak moment and took it way too far. I’ve seen the like happen. Once two straight friends of mine almost had to suck each others dicks over an argument about whether a tyrannosaurs was a scavenger or predator. Neither were entirely right and both were too proud to back down. Eventually we settled on a compromise where they just spat in each others face and all left poorer for it.

The lessons: Mind the pronouncements that you make in the heat of the moment, and, an inflexible edict leads to bad places and impossible choices.


“How come we eat cows but not chimps. I love cows and chimps are ugly”

Jacob, Age 8


Well, Jacob, even the most devoted creationist would concede chimps look uncannily like deformed, super strong, homeless people ravaged by years on the street. You are more likely to find a hipster joint named “Hep C’s” than you are a consumer base for mock hobo meat. I’ve never seen track marks on a chimps arm but the fact they could conceivably use a syringe, and suck a dick to cop gear, makes them culinary a non-starter on the health front.

Additionally, there is the ethical hurdle of farming animals that can communicate fear and sadness in a language that we created. The thought of my entrée desperately bargaining with hand signs on the way to the slaughterhouse completely ruins my appetite. I’m convinced that we cracked the code on dolphin squeal years ago but suppressed the research because we couldn’t handle the porpoisey truth that they were spitting. Or squirting. I can’t even imagine the sub sonic slander whales are laying down Gregorian chant style along ocean floor. It is said if you play “Eleanor Rigby” backwards at one tenth speed you can hear an a Humpback doing a cover of Billy Joel’s “Downeaster Alexa“. Ah, time is a strange thing in the ocean deep.


My Kids Stupid Questions: Monsters under the bed

Ask Sam: What should I say in a job interview?

Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions Toothfairy

Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions Immolation and The Horrors of Talking Food