(premise of series explained in The FIRST ONE)

Why can’t I play all the time? School is bad and mom always make me clean and talk about my day. I love playing and hate reading and math[1]. When I’m grownup I will only play and only be friends with kids.

 David, age 5

David, there is a shit ton wrong with your plans and your policy and your general attitude on this matter. I’m sure your parents have laid out the basic moral failings of your position, and given you a cursory understanding of a Keynesian demand side economy, so I will focus on the ugly emotional reality of what you are proposing. As you are five, and therefore quite stupid, I will do so in the form of a fable. Strap in kid, this could keep you from being a forty year old that carries around a skate board for no reason, lives on a couch, and “supports” himself by taping up flyers for club shows that he can’t get into.

The tale of the Silverfish and the Book Louse


 Once there was a Silverfish who was always on the go, yet lacked any proper direction. He’d scuttle from the sink to the drain to the pipes in the basement, making “Contacts” and creating “Buzz” for unspecified future ventures. One day, whilst scuttling up a dilapidated book shelf, a voice called out to him

 “Silverfish! Where the fuck are you going? Nobody even knows what you are. Slow down you dusty assed mush bellied centipede try-hard!”

 Now, while the Silverfish was not the sort to engage in challenging discourse, his pride had been hurt. So he stopped and noted a wise old Booklouse peaking out from the cover of a water stained VCR manual.

 ” I know what I am” yelled the Silverfish “Like, sort of a Spider….but flatter. Besides, what do you know about anything. Hiding in books, you’ve got no feel for the streets. I live more every weekend than you will in your whole life”

 A pufft of sawdust accompanied the Book Louse’s pulpy laugh.

 ” Son, I can’t tell your front from your back and your coming from going. All you do is scuttle between the same dank corners, thrashing about, hoping if you go fast enough you won’t see who you are when the lights come on.”

 This stung the Silverfish, enough that he considered stinging the book louse in return, only he wasn’t sure if he could do that, so instead he made a bold proclamation

 “I’ll show you whose life is empty. I’m going to the tub and I will wait until the light comes on, and when it does people will see how special I am and everything is going to come together for me.”

 True to his word the Silverfish waited in the tub until the light came on, and was summarily washed down the drain by a shrieking giant. And no one mourned him, as he was a dirty Silverfish, so who cares. Also, the Booklouse got to move upstairs to be a part of the family proper, as he was the only one who could set the time on the VCR.


I hope that clarifies thing for you, David, and if not I hope it a least inspires your parents to clean the basement. There is a reason people have stopped visiting them.


My Kids Stupid Questions: Monsters under the bed

Ask Sam: What should I say in a job interview?

Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions Toothfairy

Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions Immolation and The Horrors of Talking Food