Dear Sam,

 I have been dating “Chad” for two years and he is my best friend, confidant, and the person who most helped me grow into the adult that I needed to be. I love him, but I am no longer “in love” with him. I met a guy at work and I want to pursue it, but I still really want to remain friends. How do I go about explaining this without hurting his feelings or ruining our chance for a healthy platonic friendship.

 Carol B.,

Brampton, On

Carol, you lost your chance at a healthy platonic relationship the third time you threw down. Sex makes babies and kills friendships. You can no more re-friend someone than you can un-fuck them. You can’t remain friends, because you are not friends. You are lovers.

Ending romantic intimacy, while demanding friendship, is akin to slashing someone’s tires and then insisting they drive you to the airport on their bare and sparking rims. Even if he wanted to you are not making it to the terminal, and there is a good chance his gas tank catches fire and explodes. So maybe just take a cab and let him call a tow truck to haul away the wreckage.


 But AJ, surely you could have a rewarding non-sexual friendship with a woman?.

Outraged Lady Fans of this Site,

 Ottawa, On

Sure. There are some cool chicks out there. There is no reason I couldn’t stop by for a cup of tea, maybe eat some coffee cake and play boardgames on a rainy day. I’d be downright content. But, should one day she reveal to me that she has a magic dragon in the backyard that we can fly around on and have adventures with, and we do just such a thing,  the focus of the relationship changes.

And if at some point she decides that our adventuring days are done, but I can still see the dragon pressed up against the patio door, showing me treasure maps, whispering about the mysteries of the southern wilds… and I am now confined to the kitchen…ain’t no coffee cake sweet enough to swallow that bitter pill. Especially if I know that dragon is getting ridden hard by a stranger the moment I leave.


 Is there anyway you could make this point using an ascending list suitable for esoteric rankings?

 Sam T.,

My Kitchen

I’ll give it shot, self serving author surrogate.

Sam The Turtle Downgrade Scale

  1. Pumpkin farmer to Squash wrangler
  2. A great dump turning into a ghostie upon post mortem examination
  3. Switching from regular coffee to decaffeinated
  4. Trained raccoon friend with a weird tail to conniving rat that snuck in through the chimney
  5. Barrister to Barista employment shift
  6. Frequent sexual partner, to guy who gives uncomfortable lingering hugs at the end of awkward coffee shop meetups
  7. Broadway musical performer to bus station mumbler
  8. Mysterious wandering beauty mole to embedded lime tick
  9. Planet to Kuiper Belt object
  10. Frequent sexual partner, to trusted friend that gives advice about current sexual partner


 Ignominious death scale

  Shame Scale

 Irony Scale

 Rob Ford Transgression Scale