Earlier this morning a co-worker confessed that he was ashamed of a mistake that he’d made on his last call. When I pressured as to the exact level of shamedness he proved unable to quantify it. I dearly wanted to savor his sweet disgrace, but the lack of precise measure put me off my feed. It’s thus that I come up with an exact scale of shameful occurrence…that one might accurately convey how low they have fallen.

1193Pin-up-Girl-on-Scale-Posters

0-Eatting a slice of delicious toast in the privacy of your own home

1-Having the slice of toast fall on the floor but eating it anyways

2-Farting at a public urinal

3-Forgetting your password in front of a Chinese Co-worker

4-Having your pants pulled down at a Harlem globe trotters game.

5– Falling down stairs/into a hole, as an adult.

6.-Receiving the lowest posted mark in a class you constantly spoke out/debated the other students in.

7.-Calling out your ex’s name during sex

8-Talking shit about friend who’s standing right behind you

9. Being forced to sneak out of a restaurant before ordering because the prices are much higher than you expected them to be.

10. Getting drunk enough you seize the mic to freestyle at a friends wedding.

11–Having your pants pulled down at a globe trotters game while you have a raging erection .

12– The bus driver catches you putting insufficient change in the box…but lets you on anyways because he feels sorry for you.

13-Using a racial slur around an ethnic friend you’ve known long enough to forget they’re not actually Caucasian.

14– Someone shaving “I’m dying alone” into your back hair after you fall asleep at the beach… and everyone assuming you did it yourself as a bid for attention.

15-Having an elaborate lie unravel piece by piece over the course of few days until all your credibility is gone.

16– Caught stealing women’s clothes from the goodwill box. (+1 if you get stuck inside it)

17– Getting drunk enough at your friends wedding you seize the mic and tearfully confess how long you’ve secretly been in love with the bride…and how bad this wedding is tearing up you inside.

18– Absent mindedly attending spontaneous sexy hot tub party in shit stained underwear. (+1 if the water changes colour)

18.5– Tripping and knocking a newborn baby from it’s mothers arms and it rolling down a hill into a bush, wherein it is retrieved unharmed but covered with ants and candy wrappers.

19-Telling a prostitute you love her only to have her deny you service, and all the other girls taunting and jeering you whenever you walk down whore alley.

20-The awkward drive to hospital with your best friend, after he walks in on you being mauled by his dog while trying to have sex with it.

*******

Shame Modifiers

-2 if your legally retarded or heavily intoxicated

-1 if this sort of thing happens all the time

-1 if you have shameless friends that savour awkward moments

+1 If someone warned you this exact thing was likely to happen

+1 If you own dog looks away in disgust

+1 If it makes the news (+2 if national coverage/posted on youtube)

+1 If it happened on a first date

+1 if strangers start laughing

+2 if witnessed by an ex girlfriend from a relationship that ended badly. (+3 if the new guy is there with her)

+2 If children start crying

+2 if it led to a public ass whuppin

+1 if you mom sees it/+2 if she starts crying/+3 if she whups your ass

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Assessment Scales

Rob Ford Transgression

 Irony

 Ignominious death

 Shame