Historically our assessment scales are used to quantify broader concepts, but Rob Fords complete inability to order the magnitude of his respective transgressions has created an imminent public need for my services. I should mention upfront Rob Ford is possibly not guilty of all of these, but it is important to establish a baseline.


1. Not being a perfect person

 2. Inexplicable blondness

 3. Closet Bronie

 4. Soaking up an unfair portion of local gravity

 5. Taking someone else’s lunch from city hall breakroom fridge

 6. Tipping less than 15% during beer market bender

8. Mumbling most of the way through a song and then loudly signing the chorus

 9. Failing to avail oneself of ample home pussy supply

 10. Lying to media

 11. Secret kids

 12. Smuggling covert walrus advisor about town beneath ill-fitting jacket.

13. Hanging tied together shoes from antenna of CN Tower, so folks know “What’s up”

 14. Smoking crack with known criminals

 15. Smoking crack from Ivory pipe made from covert walrus advisor’s tusks

 16. Announcing intention to beat another man to death and poke out his eyes [1]

 17. Smoking crack with secret kids

 18. Staining reputation of entire nation

 19. Huffing all the bleach earmarked for scrubbing of nation stain

 20. Actually murdering a guy who’s eyes you then poked out post mortem[2]


 [1] +1 if Plus 1 if indecisive about needed amount of time.

 [2] -1 if task was completed in timely fashion

Assessment Scales


 Ignominious death