Can you write an R. Kelly “trapped in the closet” style R&B epic about the land of Narnia? My girlfriend is a big fan of both and this would be a great early Christmas present.

Romantic Dan

   You want me to write a sexy, C.S. Lewis inspired, R&B epic about infidelity, for your girlfriend…for Christmas? I’m not sure you sending an email and having someone else do the composition really counts as a present on your part, but yeah, I’ll give it a shot. Though a slow jam R&B song doesn’t really translate to print so I’ma have to do this battle rap style. Yo….somebody give me a beat. This is a little number I call “I’ll lie with your bitch in the wardrobe”

 [I’ve a linked a few names and terms to wikipedia to provide a little context. ]


I’ll lie with your bitch in the wardrobe

Call me Mr. Tumnus, cause I’m up in your wardrobe

Push past the coats, to get up in your whores robe

She’ll be frigid at first, but she’ll beg me for more, yo


Your spear has no point, your prick is just useless

My dick is a draggin’, just like cousin Eustace

The last battle been fought, you didn’t do shit


I’ll bust a mad load, they’ll call her the White Queen

Get my face down so deep, I just might bite spleen

For the winter she’ll sleep, call it a pipe dream


I’m speaking in twist tongues, her moans allegory

Slow to the finish, take ten books for our  story

Two Pevensie‘s watched, tell Lucy I’m sorry


 I really enjoy your blog and have been thinking of starting up my own for a while but I am afraid of failing? Have you had many creative failures? How did you deal with them?

Tim Darrow

 Tim, the secret to creative output is accepting the preponderance of failure that comes before success. It can be matter of voice, tone, material, or technical skill, but you never get better unless you try the wrong thing repeatedly. I personally have lost thousands of dollars on failed creative and business ventures and remain undeterred. I keep a list. If it will make you feel better I’ll share a couple

Failed Projects I probably need to fine tune


My do-wop jive fusion band, Wop-Jiggity

Reasons it failed: Apparently the name scans as somewhat racist. Also most of our material was quite racist. Additionally I have no talent for either genre and the fusion did little to alleviate that issue. Live and learn.


Project  My planned game show “Are you more cynical than a forty year old.

 Wide eyed ten year olds are forced to work tedious office jobs while going through an acrimonious divorce. Each week they list the things that used to give them joy but now feel forced and empty.

Reasons it failed:

  I personally feel we launched at a time when game shows were passe and the reality t.v. market was hyper saturated. This timing issue was exacerbated by the networks unwillingness to promote the show in the wake of multiple suicides amongst the cast, crew, and studio audience members. It tested like gangbusters, though, so I feel like it’s just a matter of finding the right broadcast partner.


Project: The third entry was so tasteless it was the first bit ever cut by the Sam The Turtle editorial department. I can only give the acronym I would have used for the service



This almost broke my heart. Please watch this.

Homeless Mozart

This was so wonderful and upsetting. Beyond the lazy pity I initially felt was this displacement and strange envy of a wild thing being without cause. I didn’t want to help him, or rail against social inequity, I wanted to hear the song without editorial interruption. To know this limitless interior voice without frame or context, to appreciate the art without qualification.

This wasn’t beautiful because. It was beautiful.