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Category Archives: ask sam

Letter Day: Why can’t we be friends?

22 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in ask sam, Assessment Scale, Letters

≈ 3 Comments

Falcor---The-NeverEnding-St

Dear Sam,

 I have been dating “Chad” for two years and he is my best friend, confidant, and the person who most helped me grow into the adult that I needed to be. I love him, but I am no longer “in love” with him. I met a guy at work and I want to pursue it, but I still really want to remain friends. How do I go about explaining this without hurting his feelings or ruining our chance for a healthy platonic friendship.

 Carol B.,

Brampton, On

Carol, you lost your chance at a healthy platonic relationship the third time you threw down. Sex makes babies and kills friendships. You can no more re-friend someone than you can un-fuck them. You can’t remain friends, because you are not friends. You are lovers.

Ending romantic intimacy, while demanding friendship, is akin to slashing someone’s tires and then insisting they drive you to the airport on their bare and sparking rims. Even if he wanted to you are not making it to the terminal, and there is a good chance his gas tank catches fire and explodes. So maybe just take a cab and let him call a tow truck to haul away the wreckage.

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My Kids Stupid Questions: Immolation and the plight of Liverpudlian Whales

28 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in ask sam, Uncategorized

≈ 7 Comments

As I explained last time my friends children are as stupid as their questions are endless. To help out I’m answering some of the overflow on the condition that my friends read my answers back to their children without paraphrase. This batch waded into deeper waters but I still managed to hold back the tide of ignorance. Let’s get to it.

***

 budist_monk_on_fire

“In history class our teacher told us Monks sometimes set themselves on fire to protest things. Why would anyone set themselves on fire to make a point? Has it ever worked?”

Daniel,
Age 13

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