I was going to post a facebook comment about the suspension of disbelief necessary to watch random mid-day pornography. I had gotten as far as typing “Where would a twelve year old runaway get the money for a boob job” [1] into my status bar before considering that this made it seem like I’m really into child pornography. I then tried to work in an explanation on how the twelve year old in question was actually a dead eyed twenty seven year old in pigtails and footy pajamas in the back alley behind a Denny’s, when a status update from my pre-teen niece popped up into my newsfeed. Her friend got braces and they look nice. A moment of clarity and flurry of unfriending ensued.

I decided to peruse my recent status updates:

I going to start doing it to Mumford and Sons…if you can hit that banjo solo tempo she’ll pop like a dropped bottle of champagne. You just need to time your way around the earnest tracks. Boo eye contact.

A note for the kids: If you are going to google “Dick Van Dyke” make sure your safe search is on…because the bottom of that search pile is not a happy place. ps. he’s not dead….but my desire to be a van owner is.

The hillside strangler choked less than the Raptors, and he at least had the decency to drag his victims into the bushes so people didn’t have to witness it.”

“Dear computer, I’m sorry we fought. I know that it’s not your fault that you’re slow and seizing up. I never should have threatened to “Put my **** in your **** tray and **** you til you love me”…but all that could still happen if you make me do a system restore.”

God damn, Valliant, no wonder you never get asked to baby sit. Utter failure as uncle aside, I decided to more carefully examine my friendlist to decide if I am actually comfortable presenting this raw an expression of self. And after careful consideration: I really am. They are all adults with a passing familiarity of my personality and sense of humor. No one is suffering from a crippling brain disease that could be worsened by tasteless remarks. It honestly feels more disrespectful to assume that my friends and family are so tepid and unobservant that they would be surprised by this kind of defiant self expression. Could this be shortsighted and self destructive? Absolutely. But again, I am who I am.

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1. That was actually the cleaned up version. The original contained the charming observation “that tramp stamp is really taking me out of it, though she’s hard ridden enough I could buy the clit piercing being the byproduct of accidental car door slamage”.