Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22

Sign : A Crab or A Horrifying Wasting Disease I don’t usually editorialize in this portion but I need to address the etymological elephant in room. My zodiac sign is the most jarring Homonym in the English language. Were I to loudly discuss my birth sign in a crowded restaurant it would likely trigger deeply painful memories in at least a few diners at surrounding tables. The worst thing a doctor could possibly tell you is also the thing that describes the traits and tendencies that define me on a pseudo-spiritual level. When I Googled famous Cancers, the first two hits were Nikola Tesla and Childhood Leukemia. Stop whining, Virgo. You don’t have it so bad. Characteristic Traits Look, I am not a perfect person, but who does it serve to drag my faults out onto the lawn to have some emotional yard sale? It is just going to end with some slack-lipped straggler trying to haggle the price of a busted lamp down from a quarter to a nickel. What does he need that extra twenty cents for anyways? That lamp got me through university and survived at least five apartment moves, despite only working for the first two. It may have just needed a bulb. Jesus, I wonder if it’s too late to get my nickel back? Favored Activities

• Doing the best they can
• Giving sweeping advice on deeply personal matters to complete strangers
• Lifting heavy things and gathering accolades
• Absolutely taking out the cat litter in the near future so please stop asking
• Settling scores
• Avoiding debts
• Talkin’ Fancy
• Writn’ Sloppy
• Manufacturing reasons to wear bathrobes in everyday life

Famous Cancers  Alex Trebek  Bill Withers The Dalai Lama Robert A. Heinlein Nelson Mandela Patrick Stewart Short Term outlook I filled a large vase with eight tea bags and then used said vase to crush up some Ritalin that I then licked off the counter to get my head moving fast enough to bang this out. It is currently 10pm. I was going to write this morning but I got hung up playing Grand Theft Auto and pole dance battling my wife. There is barely a word of exaggeration in this paragraph and if I sleep before sunrise it will be the result of pole spin induced head trauma. Longterm Outlook I am not by nature a semantic wrangler, but sometimes words get loose and risk trampling the garden of careful avoidance. How longterm are we talking here? And what counts as outlook? To be honest I operate on a sort of infinite horizon with a limited draw distance…lines and colors that brighten and repeat, but never resolve. It could just be the pills, or the concussion, talking but I wrote that last sentence ten minutes ago and I already don’t know what it means. Just the way of things, I suppose.