I didn’t mean to antagonize my vasectomy nurse. The phone rang, I said “Hello” and the voice on the other side asked “Is that Allan?” Puzzling. Is what Allan? I assumed she was referring to me but the odd open had me thinking telemarketer. “Pardon me?” I said. “Is that Allan” she asked again, sounding annoyed but providing no additional information.

“I am Allan, to whom am I speaking”.

I will admit this came out a little snarky.

“This is Contentious Pam from the dick doctor (1), why didn’t you pickup your kit?”.

I may be reading into things but she sounded personally betrayed.

“I thought you were going to mail it to me?”  I said.

“ We are not. Come in today to pick it up, you need it a week before the procedure” and then she disconnected.

 When I got to the office there was a dude whinging about the unfairness of the Quebec healthcare system, and demanding that Pam explain a note that his H.R. Department had given to him. The note was written in french. Pam doesn’t speak french. Dude still wanted answers. This went on for ten minutes until the office manager came out and translated the note. It said : be sure to get a receipt. He left in a huff. Pam stayed in a huff. I was off to a bad start.

“I am A.J….or Allan, Valliant. I came for a kit.”

Pam handed me a pamphlet, give me a prescription for a single 10mg Clonazpam pill, and asked my waist size for the jock strap underpants that I will have to wear post-procedure.

“ My waist is 32, but I will probably need a bigger pair than normal”.

And before I processed how questionable my phrasing had been, she shook her head in disgust and said “ I’m sure you’ll manage”, and tossed my kit on the counter. I wanted to explain that my quads are oddly large relative to my waist, so sizing can be weird, but the specter of my supposed-magnum dong hung between us…and I didn’t know how to exorcise it. So I just left, and the next time I see her will be at my un-manning.


1- The name and clinic have been editorialized for obvious reasons.

Tales from my vasectomy part one: A.J. Turns the nurse against him

Tales from my Vasectomy part two: The preparation

Tales from my vasectomy: The Procedure

Concluded in part 4: The aftermath