Who do you feel is responsible for rash of unexplained deaths and mysterious disappearances in Riverdale throughout the mid 1980’s. My personal investigation has raised many troubling questions but I was never able to fully zero in on a suspect.
Muffled in Midvale
I was not going to answer this question initially. A website of our notoriety gets dozens of crank letters on a weekly basis and they rarely warrant reply. On a whim, though, I began an email correspondence with Muffled, and what began as a pleasant nostalgic lark soon soured into a grim examination of a heartland community torn apart by violence, mayhem, and a string of unclaimed bodies that could tie a yellow ribbon around a forest of oak trees. Consider the following actuarial table I was able to procure via a freedom of information request:
Actuarial table of leading causes of death in Riverdale from 1983-87
| Total Fatalities | Cause of Death |
| 187 | Lethal trauma from chemistry class accidents, including but not limited to: corrosive smoke inhalation, burn damage, getting exploded, and fatal transmogrification |
| 144 | Heart Disease |
| 112 | Crushed beneath wheels of negligently maintained Jalopy |
| 92 | Cancer |
| 88 | Talking to Midge |
| 85 | Missing: Assumed Dead |
| 83 | Drowning while distracted lifeguard ogles swimsuit clad women |
| 78 | Incidental mayhem during background sight gag |
| 71 | Malted Milk borne Ecoil outbreak |
| 68 | Suicide |
| 68 | Ruptured stomach during Annual Burger/Pie eating contest |
| 44 | Slipping into coma after elaborate dream sequence |
| 35 | Diphtheria |
| 32 | Victim of witchcraft |
| 20 | Severe blood loss incurred while cutting out paper outfits |
| 18 | Tramped during over-matched football game against Central High |
| 16 | Interfering with culinary duties of classically trained French Chef |
| 4 | Face saving attempt to complete implausible boast. |
| 2 | Poorly worded wishing |
While the shocking lack of exact population data in the census makes a full analysis difficult, as does the Riverdale chamber of commerce’s baffling refusal to provide precise geographic information, the bones of a conspiracy are clear to see. After a careful review of archival news footage, police records, and an exhaustive series of phone and email interviews, I have been able to narrow the suspects down to the six most likely candidates.
Who did it?
Flawed But Fixable 