One Line made it through


The first time I paid attention she was topless and dancing to a tape she’d brought from home. It was a beautiful song that described who we were and who’d we become, but I was entirely hers in the moment. One line made it through, though “Most of you was naked, ah, but some of you was light”. She left the tape and I listened to it until I wanted to be old and filled with a regret that ached and emptied me until there was nothing left but a few perfect sentences. I wanted to be tired and wise and have good things fall from my hands in beautiful patterns. Continue reading

The upside of Agony: President Trump


We here at Sam The Turtle believe that each crisis is lined with silver opportunity, and that a dropped pie is just a series of irregular floor tarts that you didn’t know you wanted. Yes, the idea of President Trump is unnerving, but real good could come from it. For Example.

The Upside of President Trump


1. The once in a lifetime sight of Bernie Sanders crouched on the toll booth of the ambassador bridge, giving sarcastic thumbs up to the hordes of fleeing democrats.

2.An answer to the age old question “What if Chachi was secretary of the interior”.

3.Canadians can feel smug about something other than free healthcare.

4.The first meaningful victory for the “Why can’t I marry my own daughter?” legislative movement.

5.Terrorist might feel sorry for the U.S. and move their Jihad to a country with something to lose.

6.We could witness Donna Brazile slapping the shit out of Anderson Cooper for no discernible reason.

7.I can finally become a freelance neurosurgeon in the Post-Job Qualification era that will ensue.

8.I can see actual fantasy Orcs emerging from hiding to take staff roles in the new government; Orcs = Elves, Elves = cookies.

9.Civil War reenactors potentially getting some fresh material.

Review: Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

A few years back my friend Simon asked if I wanted to write a review for a fancy scotch website. I lack sophistication in general, and have a palette crass enough it would shame a Komodo dragon, so I agreed on terms that it would have to be a rotgut brew that I could have some fun with. This was a terrible idea in the moment, and set a horrible precedent that can only end in Cirrhosis. Earlier this week the other shoe dropped and I reviewed

The Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky


It was a mistake and I am now blind in one eye. Still, worth reading though.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me : Care Bears, Hercules

*(A Fifteen year old throw back from my old site, with a touch of modern editing)

The Care Bears



I don’t know if they were a bunch ursine empathic vampires trying to pass themselves off as good Samaritans, or just some cosplay midgets that couldn’t mind their own  business. Either way I found them intrusive and unsettling. As a race they were the weird girl at the office that cries when someones lunch is stolen and extends a harassment seminar by a half hour so she can recount the contentious tone of her last book club meeting. Nobody gives a fuck, toughen up.

Continue reading

Letter Day: Shadows of the Past


I used to run another site. We had a regular feature where readers would sends us letters and I would answer them publicly. These are some of my favorites.


I’m a big fan of dog racing but can never pick the right dog. Do you have having any tips for picking a sure winner?


Respero, AZ

 If Bugs Bunny has taught me anything (and it has taught me many thing) it is this: that the race will unfold in the fashion which allows for the most amusing name interactions. I picture the call going as such.

Announcer: Drunken mother stumbles out of the gate…Grandfathers Hug is within an inch of Bad Touch and keeping close… Repressed Memory pushing hard for the lead.

Announcer: Baldspot giving way to Daddies New CameroIll-conceived making a pass on School Girls Folly on the rail… Eloquent Stranger driving  Drunken Mother hard into the wall…Peeping Neighbor comes out of nowhere to inject some drama into the race.

Announcer: Baldspot is receding…Daddies New Camero is running out of gas late…Schools Girls Folly is overtaken by Bad Touch in an aggressive move…Statutory forcing his way through the pack…Oh my lord, Grandfathers Hug has just exploded past Repressed Memory to take the win.

Continue reading