My Preemptive Enhanced Security Travel Admission form


  As consequence of recent regime change in the U.S.A it has become more difficult for travelers from afar to enter their country. Currently Canadians don’t need to fill out an ESTA form, but as a show of good faith to our paranoid American cousins I’m going to throw my trustable bonifides up for public consumption, to avoid being placed on any unfortunate lists. All statements are legitimately true with limited artistic embellishment.



General Information

Title : Viscount

Family Name : Valliant

First Name: Allan Jason George

Are you known by any other names or aliases ? (optional*): Pistachio, Frambojan, Creepy Mexican Guy on a bike, Ahmed Jamal, Alejandro Jesus, Richard Vanion, Slap Dandy, Buttons Delacroix, Robert Elliot, Scrote Totem, Da Realest.

Date of Birth: June 25 1976

City of birth : Ottawa

Country of birth : Canada

Gender : Male

Marital status: Essential married. I could leave town if I wanted to, but I feel like we’ve been together long enough that it should count.

Details about your health and your character

8th Level Personal Trainer

STR: 14 INT:15 WIS:4 DEX:11 CON:13 CHR:15

HP: 45

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Lesser Horrors and Lurking Samaritans: The Wulver





Overview :

  There are many troubling things about Scotland and most of them are in the water.  It’s not discussed widely, but if you press any Scotsman he will concede that somewhere within the Lochs and lakes of their plaid addled water ways lies a creature of unknown origin and inscrutable intent.. No, not that one. Or the other one. I speak of the Wulver, a wolf headed man that fishes from the shore, or in a boat, and who sometimes wears a jacket. It is said that if you lock eyes with this dammed creature, cruelly trapped between the worlds of men and beasts, that he might make a little small talk before giving you some of his extra fish, only to move politely along without inconveniencing you too much.

 That is the entire myth. A hybrid man/wolf that likes to fish and is generous with his catch. Sometimes he dresses up a bit. It’s been around for at least a thousand years and those are the net details available.


Country of origin: Scotland

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One Line made it through


The first time I paid attention she was topless and dancing to a tape she’d brought from home. It was a beautiful song that described who we were and who’d we become, but I was entirely hers in the moment. One line made it through, though “Most of you was naked, ah, but some of you was light”. She left the tape and I listened to it until I wanted to be old and filled with a regret that ached and emptied me until there was nothing left but a few perfect sentences. I wanted to be tired and wise and have good things fall from my hands in beautiful patterns. Continue reading

The upside of Agony: President Trump


We here at Sam The Turtle believe that each crisis is lined with silver opportunity, and that a dropped pie is just a series of irregular floor tarts that you didn’t know you wanted. Yes, the idea of President Trump is unnerving, but real good could come from it. For Example.

The Upside of President Trump


1. The once in a lifetime sight of Bernie Sanders crouched on the toll booth of the ambassador bridge, giving sarcastic thumbs up to the hordes of fleeing democrats.

2.An answer to the age old question “What if Chachi was secretary of the interior”.

3.Canadians can feel smug about something other than free healthcare.

4.The first meaningful victory for the “Why can’t I marry my own daughter?” legislative movement.

5.Terrorist might feel sorry for the U.S. and move their Jihad to a country with something to lose.

6.We could witness Donna Brazile slapping the shit out of Anderson Cooper for no discernible reason.

7.I can finally become a freelance neurosurgeon in the Post-Job Qualification era that will ensue.

8.I can see actual fantasy Orcs emerging from hiding to take staff roles in the new government; Orcs = Elves, Elves = cookies.

9.Civil War reenactors potentially getting some fresh material.

Review: Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

A few years back my friend Simon asked if I wanted to write a review for a fancy scotch website. I lack sophistication in general, and have a palette crass enough it would shame a Komodo dragon, so I agreed on terms that it would have to be a rotgut brew that I could have some fun with. This was a terrible idea in the moment, and set a horrible precedent that can only end in Cirrhosis. Earlier this week the other shoe dropped and I reviewed

The Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky


It was a mistake and I am now blind in one eye. Still, worth reading though.