Continued from: Murder In Riverdale: An Expose, Part 1

Betty Cooper:


Everyone I spoke to about Betty remarked, without prompting, how nice she was. Nice like the kid who gives the whole class a valentine, even the teacher; Like a neighbor that shovels both sides of a shared driveway even though they don’t have a car; Like an earnest three page thank you letter you can’t bear to read past the introduction. No one said as much, of course, but there was a tone.

Her best friend is a spiteful cunt that consumes only to deny others.  Her one true love treats her like a hybrid tear hanky/Cum rag, a tissue to befoul and discard. The community bears her like a noble wound, stigmatic proof of their heartland values. How long can victim-hood be your sole character trait before you snap and become the aggressor? Even Vanilla is poisonous in high enough dosage.

Suspect score: 3/10

While a constant suicide risk betty is more a self harmer than purveyor of violence. Now if the question was “who most likely cuts herself nightly while listening to Taylor Swift breakup songs” we’d have our winner, but the only thing Betty is murdering is the self respect of a generation of school girls.


Archie Andrews


If you live in Riverdale there is a better than average chance that Archie Andrews will, either tangentially or directly, be the cause of your death[1]. I can only assume the chief of police is so occupied covering up his son’s string of constant  murders that he doesn’t have the resources left to address the cloud of manslaughter that hangs around the Andrews boy.

Beyond the carnage, still, Archie is the locus and the id of Riverdale, the ocean to which all rivers flow. It was haunting how any conversation, about anyone, with anyone, would always turn back into a discussion about Archie. His new shirt, his variable athletic prowess, the inexplicable wave of filthy orange hair. It was as if he had some strange power over the city: Archie is a good boy, it was good thing that he ran over Mr. Weatherbee, and off to the corn field we go. No can explain, or is even willing to acknowledge, “it”, but said “it” lies alarmingly beneath the surface of every interaction.

Suspect score: 5/10

 No matter how many times Archie hate fucks Betty after a bad date with Veronica the shame of constant rejection is bound to embitter a souless ginger. I believe that Archie is capable of intentional violence, but that is almost beside the point.At a certain threshold the incidental death toll of his daily existence rises to where a simple unwillingness to commit suicide is tantamount to future murderous intent.

[1] See actuarial table in part 1 of investigation.

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