The prestige of having been employed in the same entry level job for seven years (without promotion) has lead many of our readers to seek my advice in career matters[1]. Traditionally I answer via private correspondence, mostly with biting personal commentary and ugly sexual innuendo, but a recent wave of joblessness amongst my cohort has convinced to disseminate my wisdom in a more public fashion.

My time in the business world has taught me exactly one thing: context is more important than content. Being able to frame information in a self-constructive fashion is the entirety of the battle; master the spin, and you win.

Let us examine a few common errors of phrasing and context and explore stronger alternatives.

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The Statement: I’m not afraid to cut a mothafucka if he gets too close!

While this assertion could potentially establish your street cred, your interviewer is unlikely to draw any positive inference from it. Additionally, if the interviewer does haphazardly wander too close, you will need to cut him or risk losing any previously accrued street credentials[2].

How you should couch it: I have a strong commitment to personal space and am a highly motivated self starter, with a strong appreciation for the importance of reputation.

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I am writing this at the gym where I work. In terms of ambiance imagine a shoe store at the mall that was also a high school lunch room and doctors office. Now imagine getting buck naked and trying to build a soap bubble sculpture in such a place. A library staffed entirely by crying babies and furious invisible wasps would be more conducive to the writing process.   Continue reading →

Academy awards season, the time of year when the film industry congratulates the film industry for doing industrious things in film. While less self congratulatory than the Vallies[1], the runup hype and bloated length of the Oscars makes it less tolerable. Still, as a major media outlet I feel an obligation to add to the chatter.

I should mention that I have seen none of these films and hold a deep grudge against the motion picture industry over the advent of the Talkies. Still, I have read a brief synopsis of each, seen multiple still photos, and overheard enough pretentious bus conversation regarding the nominees that I feel sufficiently grounded in my commentary.

I will discuss each category in order of importance and in the interest of brevity will be omitting the dud ones that we only pretend to care about. Sorry Supporting Actors, get a better agent.

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Continued from: Murder In Riverdale: An Expose, Part 1

Betty Cooper:

Everyone I spoke to about Betty remarked, without prompting, how nice she was. Nice like the kid who gives the whole class a valentine, even the teacher; Like a neighbor that shovels both sides of a shared driveway even though they don’t have a car; Like an earnest three page thank you letter you can’t bear to read past the introduction. No one said as much, of course, but there was a tone. Continue reading →

(This was original written in 2006 some there may be some historical anachronisms)

Once upon a time I had another site that was judged by the world and in return…judged the world. A painstaking criteria was developed to assess and compare each nation against the perfect dream of them I held in my heart. Below are the three that cut me the deepest, polished a tad for current editorial standards.

THE PROCESS

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them. Note, this is a assessment of the Country as a gestalt entity, and not necessarily a representation of the individuals that make up said country. Though, if all your friends suck odds are…

The categories break down like so (The higher the score, the more favorable the review)

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