There was an albino at my high school. He was rumored to have had two holes in his heart and severe allergies to wheat and cotton. The holes may have been apocryphal, but the allergies were a matter of record and a source of conflict between us.

You need to understand that Colin followed the immerse/then accuse school of allergy prevention. He’d seek out the stairwell where I’d regularly eat my sandwiches, glare at the nest of crumbs surrounding me, and then damn me as a monster for my careless consumption. If approached differently I may have been more sympathetic, but what Colin lacked in pigment he made up for in belligerence[1]. On the day in question the exchange began as such.

“I could have an attack if I inhaled those” he said.

“Maybe you should shut your mouth and keep walking then” I said.

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In what I can only assume was a systematic breakdown of their vetting process, the WordPress editors have selected my blog as something fancy that people should read. Don’t get me wrong, I dig my stuff and genuinely appreciate the gesture, but the third post contains a discussion of a Chimps ability to shoot heroin and potentially perform fellatio as a means of copping gear. This was all in the context of advice I was giving….to a child. I probably shouldn’t be allowed to walk the streets, let alone have company.

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*Series premise explained and Snow White examined in the first part: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White*

 The Plot

A self-hating fish-woman craves the excitement, material splendor, and external genitalia of the surface world. Upon discovering a ship full of humans, she spies on them, becomes obsessed with a prince, and trades her voice to Ursula the Sea Witch for three days worth of legs. To make the change permanent she needs to obtain the true kiss of love or her deed of ownership will be transferred from Prince Eric back unto Ursula.

Ursula manages to leverage this initial bargain to guilt the king into giving up his magic trident, dignity, and status as a vertebrate. General mayhem ensues, and then Prince Eric drives his manly harpoon into the Seahag’s rear. Ariel’s voice is snatched back, more mayhem, and Prince Eric takes control of the situation by ramming the jagged prow of his busted ship straight though Ursula’s backless dress.

The king returns to form and retrieves his trident, and so moved is he by the power of Eric’s thrusting he not only accepts him as a son-in-law, he also magically changes his teenage daughter’s species — forever — so she can marry a dude she’s known for a week. The end.

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 The prestige of having been employed in the same entry level job for seven years (without promotion) has lead many of our readers to seek my advice in career matters[1]. Traditionally I answer via private correspondence, mostly with biting personal commentary and ugly sexual innuendo, but a recent wave of joblessness amongst my cohort has convinced to disseminate my wisdom in a more public fashion.

My time in the business world has taught me exactly one thing: context is more important than content. Being able to frame information in a self-constructive fashion is the entirety of the battle; master the spin, and you win.

Let us examine a few common errors of phrasing and context and explore stronger alternatives.

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The Statement: I’m not afraid to cut a mothafucka if he gets too close!

While this assertion could potentially establish your street cred, your interviewer is unlikely to draw any positive inference from it. Additionally, if the interviewer does haphazardly wander too close, you will need to cut him or risk losing any previously accrued street credentials[2].

How you should couch it: I have a strong commitment to personal space and am a highly motivated self starter, with a strong appreciation for the importance of reputation.

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I am writing this at the gym where I work. In terms of ambiance imagine a shoe store at the mall that was also a high school lunch room and doctors office. Now imagine getting buck naked and trying to build a soap bubble sculpture in such a place. A library staffed entirely by crying babies and furious invisible wasps would be more conducive to the writing process.   Continue reading →