The first time I paid attention she was topless and dancing to a tape she’d brought from home. It was a beautiful song that described who we were and who’d we become, but I was entirely hers in the moment. One line made it through, though “Most of you was naked, ah, but some of you was light”. She left the tape and I listened to it until I wanted to be old and filled with a regret that ached and emptied me until there was nothing left but a few perfect sentences. I wanted to be tired and wise and have good things fall from my hands in beautiful patterns. Continue reading →
A few years back my friend Simon asked if I wanted to write a review for a fancy scotch website. I lack sophistication in general, and have a palette crass enough it would shame a Komodo dragon, so I agreed on terms that it would have to be a rotgut brew that I could have some fun with. This was a terrible idea in the moment, and set a horrible precedent that can only end in Cirrhosis. Earlier this week the other shoe dropped and I reviewed
I don’t know if they were a bunch ursine empathic vampires trying to pass themselves off as good Samaritans, or just some cosplay midgets that couldn’t mind their own business. Either way I found them intrusive and unsettling. As a race they were the weird girl at the office that cries when someones lunch is stolen and extends a harassment seminar by a half hour so she can recount the contentious tone of her last book club meeting. Nobody gives a fuck, toughen up.
I don’t like zoos or children; they are loud, smelly, and fill me with ennui if I spend more then a few minutes around them. I do like Gorillas. Preferably ones not riddled with bullets by their caretakers. On a side note: if you feel the need to have a sniper on the roof of your primate exhibit, maybe just invest in some Plexiglas so toddlers can’t wander in.
Of late I have been growing more and more furious over the western media’s denigration of my religious icons and fundamental belief structures. I feel this growing fury that needs release, what would you say is the best course of action?
Irate Sympathizer In Lockdown
Location Withheld
I’ve been there, Ira.
When I was in kindergarten there was this kid Tim that was always on my ass; taking my toys, telling the teacher I was swearing, bad mouthing Spider-man. And then one day, this ignorant mother fucker draws an unflattering picture of me and sticks it on the play kitchen wall. Where all the kids can see it.
Now. I had a few options, try and guess the appropriate one:
a) Tell the teacher like a little snitch and get Tim in trouble?
b) Take his lunch that he might starve in keeping with his artistic pretensions?
c) Draw an unflattering picture of him?
d) Organize a campaign to exclude him from recess activities?
e) Strap an improvised explosive device to the class gerbil when it’s Tim’s turn to take it home, in hopes that it will destroy him and the pig-dog family that birthed him?
After much prompting he replied, with the considered grace and solemnity of a flustered game show contestant, “The answer is, there has to be some form of punishment for the women”. The question was “Should women face legal punishment for receiving an abortion, were a ban to be put in place?”. After first giving a shout-out to back alley failed med students worldwide, he stepped onto the ledge and asserted that if abortion is illegal, of course women should be punished, but he was too gutless to jump and clarify the scope and nature of the punishment.
Damn it, Donald, after the Muslim internment camp business I thought I could trust you to bring a point to its insane, hate-filled conclusion. Now you have forced me to try and suss out the fine points of the punishment and legal mechanism of this charming ethos. And I got hate mail for throwing people out of the P.T. Area.
To get a meaningful answer to this question, we first must examine the stated mandates of criminal punishment.
1. Incapacitation: Lock them up so society is safe from further mayhem
2. Deterrence: Serving as cautionary example to other potential miscreants.
3. Restitution: An attempt to return the victim to the status quo ante.
4. Retribution: You harmed society, so now society gets to harm you.
5. Rehabilitation: There are places where this is still a thing.
Now let us apply these to the crime of not having a baby that you were supposed to, and see which allows for the most meaningful remediation
Incapacitation
Conceptually the simplest — you violated the law so you go to jail. The length of the sentence is tricky; a nine month stay is symbolically appealing, but if the intent is to protect society from re-offence, I suppose it would have to be until menopause without hope of parole. Admittedly, this does massively penalize teen age fumblers raised on abstinence only sex-ed, but I stand by the adage “If you can’t do the time, don’t give in to your overpowering mammalian drive to procreate”.
Flawed But Fixable 