I have been off the market for a long time. This is fortunate, as my wife is wonderful and were I single in the age of tinder I’d have three kinds of twitter herpes and at least one abduction scare. I love Sally deeply and she deserves recognition, but the sentiments on store bought cards are too trite and non-specific to convey adult romance. So I’ve decide to make my own.

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Over the past two days I have listened to this song eighty seven times. My wife almost left me, a persistent synth backing track scores my life, and I invented names for the band members:The Cheerocrat, Little Miss Crazy Eyes, and Larry Bird’s Daughter

While trying to hype up a co-worker for a max squat attempt I told her to “Deal from strength or get crushed every time!”. It’s not bad advice in that context, but it was said without irony and that is problematic. And yet I can’t stop watching it.

Let’s address the elephant in the room; the staging is flawed. I’m all for insane jingoistic show tunes delivered by damaged children, but I stand by the adage: The Righter the message, the Tighter the choreography…and that mess was sloppier than a step dad at purity ball graduation. Were they even trying to do the same thing? Because someone needs to tell Little Miss Crazy eyes in the middle that the others were doing glee club hip shimmies and she was all drunk Bette Midler working a river boat drag show . If you are going to be fascist you need to be precise; it’s their only positive trait. Aside from that it is perfect and I just want to know the backstory.

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If you are reading this you have recently, and likely repeatedly, been banished from the personal training area of my gym. I can imagine that you feel slighted, diminished, and that you are being denied a service to which you are entitled. During our brief exchange you received a cursory “Unless you have a trainer you need to leave”, as I was busy doing the job for which I am paid and couldn’t engage in a drawn out discussion.

In the interest of mending fences lets explore the issue further Q&A style

Why did I throw you out of the Personal Training area at my gym?

I paid for a membership to the gym, shouldn’t I be allowed to use all of the equipment no matter where it is?

By that standard once you order something from a restaurant you should be able to sit at any table and eat from any plate, even though you purchased a club sandwich and tipped 5%. That is not how capitalism works. The people in the PT area paid for steak so they get steak; your sudden meal envy doesn’t entitle you to sit on their lap and lick the juices from their jowls while decrying the fairness of a free market economy.

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My new computer died and almost burnt down my house. No, that doesn’t make sense. My new computer almost burnt down my house before it died. It happened a while ago. At this point I feel like the president eulogizing the latest mass shooting while the next gunman buys ammo around the block.

The glib post I made about the last one self destructing is still on the front page. I feel like I was in the middle of burying my first child, only to have my second-born stumble carelessly into the grave and smash his brains out on his brother’s casket. Do I even bother with another coffin, or, do I just shovel dirt onto the mangled pile and pretend like I only had one kid to begin with.

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http://www.newsweek.com/texas-republican-party-adopts-discredited-reparative-therapy-gays-254168

Texas has a gay problem and it’s not the happy kind. Despite there being no proven biological cause[1] Texans are getting confused and turning homosexual. In record numbers. Why is this bad? One only need apply the corollary of Adam and Eve/Adam and Steve to see the logical insupportability of the lifestyle. Some would argue that this is too small a sample size to have statistical validity, but given that the two people in question were the entirely of the global population, at the time, it is perfectly representative. Continue reading →