Texas has a gay problem and it’s not the happy kind. Despite there being no proven biological cause[1] Texans are getting confused and turning homosexual. In record numbers. Why is this bad? One only need apply the corollary of Adam and Eve/Adam and Steve to see the logical insupportability of the lifestyle. Some would argue that this is too small a sample size to have statistical validity, but given that the two people in question were the entirely of the global population, at the time, it is perfectly representative.

Yet even in garden with the original peach, and no other men, Adam still managed to succumb to the sweet talk and sway of a thick undulating python. Good Christian men have been plagued by charismatic cruisers since the dawn of humanity, and only now do we have the medical means to fully assert our heterosexual birth right. You see Texas Republicans have made the de-legitimization and eventual eradication of the homosexual “lifestyle” a core part of there party’s platform. I don’t want to put words in these noble crusaders mouths so here is the verbatim quote from the Newsweek article.

 “Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, in public policy, nor should family be redefined to include homosexual couples. We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin.”

The draft then goes on to endorse reparative therapy:

“We recognize the legitimacy and value of counseling which offers reparative therapy and treatment to patients who are seeking escape from the homosexual lifestyle. No laws or executive orders shall be imposed to limit or restrict access to this type of therapy.”

  I assume this speech ended with “Hey faggots, it’s not mandatory” and then a slow wink to the crowd, followed by a low five with a shadowy figure standing just off stage. To clarify, reparative therapy is a highly scientific process wherein a person whom, through exposure to the liberal media or an excess of musical theatre has become tricked into the gay lifestyle, is then re-indoctrinated over a period of weeks into a more normative sexual identify. Thus curing the mental illness of homosexuality[2]. It is beyond the scope of this article to delineate the full process, but I can briefly describe the stages;

 1. Hey bro, quit being a fag.

2. Do you really want to go to hell?

3. Tits are great and your mom is crying.

4. Happiness is for other people.

5. You are straight now, try not to kill your self.

  The underlying principle here is undeniable: Texans are incredibly susceptible to turning gay on a whim and only immediate medical intervention can prevent the slow erasure of the Texan race, through gay attrition. Birthrates have already been decimated by tight jeans and constant horse riding, so we are a few short steps from Mexicans owning banks. Hold fast Texas, lest the rising pink tide drown us all.


[1] I have carefully examined the evidence for the physical impossibility of true homosexuality and it is compelling stuff. A brief abstract of the more relevant datasets

  • It is physically impossible for two men wearing cowboy hats to close the distance sufficiently to kiss on the mouth
  • Dicks are so gross that the Mother Mary declined them entirely when building Jesus, and we know he’s straight
  • I, personally, have always dug women…so it just doesn’t add up
  • Teenagers love getting the shit kicked out of them for holding hands so why wouldn’t they fake it?

 [2] The DSM-5 definition of a pathological mental state: Things Clem down at the feed store would be confused by or feel awkward discussing with his wife

 -Men kissing

-The purpose of tampons

-The odd daughter/mother power dynamic in Gilmour Girls

-Where clouds come from

-Pocketless bib overalls


<a href=””>Snark Bombs, Away!</a>