ARIES: Mar 21 – Apr 19

 

Sign: The Ram

 

Characteristic Traits

Hardheaded and split hoofed, you are as likely to jump into bed as you are to clamber atop a passing horse, your balance and obstinacy a natural check to the majesty of greater creatures. Direct and impulsive you can bluff your way to minor victory and grumble your way to sullen defeat. Playful to a fault, and faulty in your play, Aries mixes bad wiring with a strong motor like no other sign.

Favored Activities

• Correcting the pronunciation of strangers
• Calling shotgun before you can see the car
• Knocking over snowmen
• Shorting stock prices
• Invading Poland

Famous Aries

•  Russell Crowe
• Quentin Tarantino
• Richard Dawkins
• Adolf Hitler

Short Term outlook

I understand that he should have tried to merge earlier, he’s a coward and we both know it… but if you keep driving beside him, perfectly matching his speed, that school bus is going hard into the barrier and Upper Canada Village is going to be denied much-needed field trip revenue. Pick your battles.

Longterm Outlook

There is a reason the aphorism “As happy as a constant antagonist” never gained  traction. A healthy society needs irritants; beggars of the questions; belligerent social ticks that dig in and hold on until you pull their head off or burn them with a hot needle. Healthy parties do not. If you keep up your shit, Aries, people will always be “just finishing” lunch when you walk into the break room. Remember, winning an argument is less important than losing a friend.

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Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

Sign : Bull

Characteristic Traits

Your life is a highway with one lane and no off ramp, I hope you don’t mind pissing in a bottle. Steadfast and straight forward, what you lack in nuance you make up in inexorable momentum, deciding early and doubling down often. Church, family, children, you monkey bar your identity from obligation to obligation, your sense of self entirely a demand economy. Questions provide clarity to found answers.

Favored Activities

• Crossfit
• The music you dug in high school
• Meticulous lawn care
• Starting conversations by proclaiming “Here’s the thing”
• Reading just the headlines of articles in your facebook feed and then getting into heated arguments
• Marrying young so you can get in on the parental sanctimony racket early

Famous Tauruses

•  Bing Crosby
•  Emmitt Smith
•  Hosni Mubarak
•  Robert Oppenheimer
•  Bono

Short Term outlook 

Everyone knows Mondays are a killer, just make it to hump day and then only two more days until the weekend. There is no rest for the wicked, and time for reflection equals time for dejection. Basically, at the end the day, if you are not rowing together the chain will only be as strong as the weakest link. So pull up your socks, lean in, and give it a hundred and ten percent so that no one drinks your milkshake.

Long Term Outlook 

Ain’t nothing free in this world. Ain’t nothing heavy like the choices we don’t make. Ain’t nothing longer than the roads we never walked. You hear that sound…like the thunder of a thousand horses rushing towards a cliff? I know it’s 3am and you’re covered in flop sweat, but maybe you should get out of bed and pace around a little, take out the old leather jacket and see if it fits. How much is a motorcycle anyways? Do the kids really need to go to college.

***

Sign : The Twins

Characteristic Traits

Two faced, erratic, and as adaptable as an unfinished sentence, Gemini’s rise to the occasion, but stand for nothing. Near sighted visionary, elliptical wanderer, a tidal prophet that never makes it off the shore. Today’s revelation marks a fresh start, tomorrow’s a cooling epiphany, the day after you’re back to your roots…lesson learned, don’t let the world change you. Repeat. You are inexhaustible and exhausting, but your friends are too tried to make the point.

Favored Activities

•  Rough drafts of screenplays
• Getting that final degree that will open the right doors for you
• Socialist Theory
• Artesianal whatever
• Making best friends while high
• Overwrought Community Theater
• Objectivist Theory
• Bukowski
• Bukkake
• Dating your ex
• (List redacted for length…)

Famous Gemini

• Allen Ginsberg
• Colin Farrell
• Allen Iverson
• Che Guevara
• Kanye West
• Jean-Paul Sartre
• Jack Kevorkian
• Shia LaBeouf

Short Term outlook

 You had a dream last night of a winged sea turtle battling the moon and it has really brought things into focus. Yes, you have been scattered in the past, but your time studying the I-Ching has given you an appreciation for the deeper pattern that underlies seeming disorder. It’s a function of indoctrination, the limiting preconception of who we should be, blocking discovery of who we could be. I bet a guerrilla mural outside of the library would erode the rigid thought prison that a classical education erects. You’d need a permit though…for a public space? That is tantamount to suppression of speech. Maybe a quick protest outside of city hall so you can turn this happening into a movement.

Longterm Outlook

 

If you shave off one side of a cats whiskers it will walk in circles until it starves. Somewhat congruent to this, if you put tape on a cats paws it will frantically hop about, sure that it is falling because it can’t feel the ground. Point being, cats are stupid and they still manage to avoid both of those situations unless a giant sets out to torment them. Don’t be stupider than a cat. Don’t be your own tormenting giant.

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