Dear Sam,

 I have been dating “Chad” for two years and he is my best friend, confidant, and the person who most helped me grow into the adult that I needed to be. I love him, but I am no longer “in love” with him. I met a guy at work and I want to pursue it, but I still really want to remain friends. How do I go about explaining this without hurting his feelings or ruining our chance for a healthy platonic friendship.

 Carol B.,

Brampton, On

Carol, you lost your chance at a healthy platonic relationship the third time you threw down. Sex makes babies and kills friendships. You can no more re-friend someone than you can un-fuck them. You can’t remain friends, because you are not friends. You are lovers.

Ending romantic intimacy, while demanding friendship, is akin to slashing someone’s tires and then insisting they drive you to the airport on their bare and sparking rims. Even if he wanted to you are not making it to the terminal, and there is a good chance his gas tank catches fire and explodes. So maybe just take a cab and let him call a tow truck to haul away the wreckage.

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