Academy awards season, the time of year when the film industry congratulates the film industry for doing industrious things in film. While less self congratulatory than the Vallies[1], the runup hype and bloated length of the Oscars makes it less tolerable. Still, as a major media outlet I feel an obligation to add to the chatter.

I should mention that I have seen none of these films and hold a deep grudge against the motion picture industry over the advent of the Talkies. Still, I have read a brief synopsis of each, seen multiple still photos, and overheard enough pretentious bus conversation regarding the nominees that I feel sufficiently grounded in my commentary.

I will discuss each category in order of importance and in the interest of brevity will be omitting the dud ones that we only pretend to care about. Sorry Supporting Actors, get a better agent.

Continue reading →

Continued from: Murder In Riverdale: An Expose, Part 1

Betty Cooper:

Everyone I spoke to about Betty remarked, without prompting, how nice she was. Nice like the kid who gives the whole class a valentine, even the teacher; Like a neighbor that shovels both sides of a shared driveway even though they don’t have a car; Like an earnest three page thank you letter you can’t bear to read past the introduction. No one said as much, of course, but there was a tone. Continue reading →

(This was original written in 2006 some there may be some historical anachronisms)

Once upon a time I had another site that was judged by the world and in return…judged the world. A painstaking criteria was developed to assess and compare each nation against the perfect dream of them I held in my heart. Below are the three that cut me the deepest, polished a tad for current editorial standards.

THE PROCESS

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them. Note, this is a assessment of the Country as a gestalt entity, and not necessarily a representation of the individuals that make up said country. Though, if all your friends suck odds are…

The categories break down like so (The higher the score, the more favorable the review)

Continue reading →

I made an office in my basement. It is essentially a blanket fort behind my couch with a table jammed into the center. It feels equal parts bad sitcom gag and tentative first step into hobo culture. I am thirty seven years old. That’s not entirely relevant to this conversation but it’s been on my mind lately.

Continue reading →

 The only thing worse than a nostalgic narcissist is a nostalgic narcissist with internet access and a back catalogue. Of all the features from the old site this was the hardest to explain in person. Essentially it was a list of things that I considered Happening juxtaposed by a tangentially related thing that was Not Happening. Of everything I wrote these were the surrealist and most reflective of my personal sense of humor. Taste may vary.

Let’s nostalgia together:

Continue reading →