03 Friday Jan 2014
Posted in Uncategorized
I made an office in my basement. It is essentially a blanket fort behind my couch with a table jammed into the center. It feels equal parts bad sitcom gag and tentative first step into hobo culture. I am thirty seven years old. That’s not entirely relevant to this conversation but it’s been on my mind lately.
17 Tuesday Dec 2013
Posted in Letters
Can you write an R. Kelly “trapped in the closet” style R&B epic about the land of Narnia? My girlfriend is a big fan of both and this would be a great early Christmas present.
Romantic Dan
You want me to write a sexy, C.S. Lewis inspired, R&B epic about infidelity, for your girlfriend…for Christmas? I’m not sure you sending an email and having someone else do the composition really counts as a present on your part, but yeah, I’ll give it a shot. Though a slow jam R&B song doesn’t really translate to print so I’ma have to do this battle rap style. Yo….somebody give me a beat. This is a little number I call “I’ll lie with your bitch in the wardrobe”
[I’ve a linked a few names and terms to wikipedia to provide a little context. ]
10 Tuesday Dec 2013
Who do you feel is responsible for rash of unexplained deaths and mysterious disappearances in Riverdale throughout the mid 1980’s. My personal investigation has raised many troubling questions but I was never able to fully zero in on a suspect.
Muffled in Midvale
I was not going to answer this question initially. A website of our notoriety gets dozens of crank letters on a weekly basis and they rarely warrant reply. On a whim, though, I began an email correspondence with Muffled, and what began as a pleasant nostalgic lark soon soured into a grim examination of a heartland community torn apart by violence, mayhem, and a string of unclaimed bodies that could tie a yellow ribbon around a forest of oak trees. Consider the following actuarial table I was able to procure via a freedom of information request:
Actuarial table of leading causes of death in Riverdale from 1983-87
| Total Fatalities | Cause of Death |
| 187 | Lethal trauma from chemistry class accidents, including but not limited to: corrosive smoke inhalation, burn damage, getting exploded, and fatal transmogrification |
| 144 | Heart Disease |
| 112 | Crushed beneath wheels of negligently maintained Jalopy |
| 92 | Cancer |
| 88 | Talking to Midge |
| 85 | Missing: Assumed Dead |
| 83 | Drowning while distracted lifeguard ogles swimsuit clad women |
| 78 | Incidental mayhem during background sight gag |
| 71 | Malted Milk borne Ecoil outbreak |
| 68 | Suicide |
| 68 | Ruptured stomach during Annual Burger/Pie eating contest |
| 44 | Slipping into coma after elaborate dream sequence |
| 35 | Diphtheria |
| 32 | Victim of witchcraft |
| 20 | Severe blood loss incurred while cutting out paper outfits |
| 18 | Tramped during over-matched football game against Central High |
| 16 | Interfering with culinary duties of classically trained French Chef |
| 4 | Face saving attempt to complete implausible boast. |
| 2 | Poorly worded wishing |
While the shocking lack of exact population data in the census makes a full analysis difficult, as does the Riverdale chamber of commerce’s baffling refusal to provide precise geographic information, the bones of a conspiracy are clear to see. After a careful review of archival news footage, police records, and an exhaustive series of phone and email interviews, I have been able to narrow the suspects down to the six most likely candidates.
Who did it?
26 Tuesday Nov 2013
Posted in Letters
Do you feel that internet pornography is destructive to the creative process?
David K.
I can’t remember the last time that I jerked off to a still photo. There was a day when I could bust one out to crudely drawn sketches of someone else looking at a sears catalogue. What happened to my imagination? And to the willingness of creepy strangers to hand draw recursive pornography for me? These are minor issues.
A much bigger problem is the hours I’ve lost to adorable animal GIFs. Porn has a fairly limited appeal, with a fast tracked fascination/disillusionment cycle. Grim, but time efficient.
You can’t jerk the charm out of a rabbit in a bowtie falling down some stairs. There is no point of satiety. My eyes could be bleeding from hours on buzzfeed and if someone presented me a video of a mouse dressed up like a Jockey, riding a turtle dressed up like a different kind of jockey, of course I’m going to watch it. This is a real problem.
***
24 Sunday Nov 2013
Posted in Reviews
My friend Simon asked me to write a tasting review for iscotch. As a lark I asked to review the worst, nastiest, rotgut hooch that could lay claim to the whiskey name. He obliged.
Click here For my iscotch Review
In a moment of even deeper folly I decided to drink the whole bottle early Saturday afternoon, when I have a work Christmas party at 7pm, and to keep a journal chronicling my descent, drink by drink.
Journal:
Drink one:
I’ve only just opened the bottle and the bar music from “Leaving Los Vegas” is playing in my head. I feel such a strong connection with Nic Cage that I’m sure the teachings of Scientology could have kept me from this foolhardy course of action.
The bouquet smells like a fresh suicide note written in dry erase marker. The booze at least makes a pleasant burbling noise when poured.
18 Monday Nov 2013
Posted in Assessment Scale
Historically our assessment scales are used to quantify broader concepts, but Rob Fords complete inability to order the magnitude of his respective transgressions has created an imminent public need for my services. I should mention upfront Rob Ford is possibly not guilty of all of these, but it is important to establish a baseline.
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Flawed But Fixable 