Author Archives: A.J. Valliant

Terrible monsters: Bigfoot

30 Wednesday Jul 2014

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bigfoot-sightings

Continued from Terrible Monsters Baba Yaga

Series began in: Terrible Monsters: Loch Ness, Banshee, Chupacabra

 Overview:

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Reclusive proto human? Gigantic hermit with a thrift shop fur coat? Mountain gorilla with a poor sense of direction and a commitment to walking upright? Bigfoot exists as more of a simian J.D. Salinger than a monster proper. A brief, immense, presence made significant by his refusal to be known.

Stalked by friendless A.V. Clubbers, like a pretty girl who once retrieved their inhaler from a of huddle mean jocks, the lore around Bigfoot is that of our pursuit, with little attention paid to his purpose or nature. He is what we need of him. The sum of our knowledge could serve as the tagline of a match.com profile:

Large, bipedal, creature enjoys long walks on the tundra, startling hikers, and thwarting the ambitions of fourth rate documentarians. Looking for fellow recluse to share lightly furnished cave and dour silences.

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Lessons From a Disney Princess: Sleeping Beauty

20 Sunday Jul 2014

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Original_Sleeping_Beauty_Poster*Series premise explained and Snow White examined in the first part: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White*and Lesson From a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid

The Plot

Once upon a time a child was born to a King and Queen. As was the custom at the time, the monarchs invited a few fairies to drop by and magically bless the deficient lump into something more in keeping with their standards.

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The first Faerie, despite both parents being quite attractive, foresaw the bucktoothed, man-handed, tank-assed hooker that the girl would grow into, and so gifted her with the blessing of Beauty.The Second Faerie, knowing that the girls fundamental worth had been established, gave her the gift of song, that she might amuse the crowds drawn to her beauty.At that point the evil faerie Maleficent, furious at being excluded from a middling kingdoms baby shower, damned the child with the curse of dying at sixteen from a spinning wheel-inflicted stroke. The Third Faerie, denied her opportunity to grant the gift of great taste in shoes, amended Maleficent’s blessing to a sleep that can only be lifted by true love’s kiss. The King responded to this shocking turn of events by ordering the destruction of all spinning wheels in the kingdom and turning custody of his child over to the fairies, to be raised in a cottage in the woods until she came of age. Continue reading →

Ask Sam: Married at First Sight

14 Monday Jul 2014

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married-at-first-sight

 Were you aware of this?

  http://nypost.com/2014/07/08/total-strangers-meet-at-the-altar-and-marry-at-first-sight/

 To spare you the full read there is a new reality show where romance experts and statisticians pour over questionnaires filled out by desperate fame hounds to find their ideal match. The end result of this process: complete strangers meet at the alter and are LEGALLY, LEGITMATELY, MARRIED! I cannot imagine the kind of mercenary sociopathy require to even conceive of this, let alone put it on the air. Can you think of a more profound subversion of social decency?

Maria of Kirkland

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 Maria, there are two constants in this world that you must never doubt: The willingness of T.V. producers to debase the fundaments of social decency for profit, and my ability to find a sub-sewer to that debasement and wallow in it. As my Previous Ventures have shown I am no stranger to projects of questionable taste. Still, I can’t help but feel that my niche in the television production world is being infringed upon, so I’ll take up the gauntlet and give you a sneak peak at a couple of pilots that I have in development at the moment.

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Essentially Forty

27 Friday Jun 2014

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(Daily Prompt: Age Old Question)  penny

 

Since the banishment of the Penny we round up in Canada. I pay a little more for things but my pockets are quieter and my purchases bear more symmetry. There is a cost to settling trivial debts that far exceeds the payment. Drop three pennies and you become a pauper or a scoff law in the eyes of the public, the middle ground lost in a moments clumsiness. It is better to be even. Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters: Baba Yaga

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

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BabaYaga2

In our first examination of the terrible monsters of the world we sought to process the horrors of Insipid Sea Monsters, Foreboding Fae, and Goat Sucking cryptids. Each legend contained the vested fear, doubt, and thwarted values of the unwashed masses of each nation. Our deconstruction proved highly informative, and potentially libelous, but very little fear was evoked by the tepid collection of would be nightmares. Disappointing.

Still, our pursuit is too noble to be dissuaded by poor early returns. One simply needs reach into the psyche of more troubled nations. Let us begin, Round 2!

Baba Yaga

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Overview:

Baba Yaga, purloiner of children, devourer of men, the iron toothed witch that stalked the forests of pre Czarist Russia with the brutality of a slavic nightmare and the absurdity of a Monty Python animated short. Generations of careless children and foolish men wandered into the demonic crones clutches, driven into the woods by the promise of delicious pine sap and a reprieve from long depressing stories that go nowhere. No riddle, secret name, or act of kindness would stay her predation, her only game was hunger….and to play was to die.

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So I fought this albino once (a shameful true story)

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

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There was an albino at my high school. He was rumored to have had two holes in his heart and severe allergies to wheat and cotton. The holes may have been apocryphal, but the allergies were a matter of record and a source of conflict between us.

You need to understand that Colin followed the immerse/then accuse school of allergy prevention. He’d seek out the stairwell where I’d regularly eat my sandwiches, glare at the nest of crumbs surrounding me, and then damn me as a monster for my careless consumption. If approached differently I may have been more sympathetic, but what Colin lacked in pigment he made up for in belligerence[1]. On the day in question the exchange began as such.

“I could have an attack if I inhaled those” he said.

“Maybe you should shut your mouth and keep walking then” I said.

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