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Author Archives: A.J. Valliant

Letter Day: Questions of Literacy and Animal Interns

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Letters, Reviews

≈ 6 Comments

BANGLENNY

Your Literary critiques seem to be confined to works of children’s literature and film. Are you so copacetic with the heroes of adult works of fiction that you do not feel the need to turn your lens upon them? Or do you simply read at fifth grade level?

Michael K.

Location Withheld

 

Mostly the latter, I’m afraid. Though I have listened to the audio books of several great works of fiction and formed a few opinions. Critiquing proper novels, however, would demand a lengthy and tedious slog into half assed academia that I am neither suited to nor motivated by.

Still, just to keep things in balance, I’ll give a bare bones breakdown of a few literary classics.

 

A Tale of Two Cities

tale_of_two_citiesFair Reading of Subtext: A dude who looks like another dude meets a girl who likes both. It works out well for one of them.

My take: Is there a more troublingly narcissistic act of martyrdom than allowing yourself to be executed so your doppelganger can bone the girl that you are crushing on? This is defective friendzone behavior taken to an unimaginable low. Where’s your pride, Sydney?

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You never really consider the state of your apartment until uptown company comes over

25 Sunday May 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

apartment

In what I can only assume was a systematic breakdown of their vetting process, the WordPress editors have selected my blog as something fancy that people should read. Don’t get me wrong, I dig my stuff and genuinely appreciate the gesture, but the third post contains a discussion of a Chimps ability to shoot heroin and potentially perform fellatio as a means of copping gear. This was all in the context of advice I was giving….to a child. I probably shouldn’t be allowed to walk the streets, let alone have company.

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There is no such thing as an adult

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Prose

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

adulthood, daily prompt, navel gazing, time of life, wordpress

 

bridge

 

When I was very young there was me and not much else. I was aware of the noisy mystery of other children, but at a distance. Adults were further still, these abstract forces that limited my world but could not perceive or interact. I was happy and cared for, but existed so deeply within my imagination that it was more a fugue state than a developmental stage. I was ten before I saw other humans as real things worth investing in, and while I adapted quickly, the narcissism of a singular being never quite left me.

As an adolescent I began to understand that the ease and freedom that I possesed was the product of the work, worry, and obligation of the adults who cared for me. I loved them for the sacrifice, but I still couldn’t imagine who they were apart from that. The weight seemed to be the whole of them. I assumed the parts I couldn’t see had been amputated by circumstance. I mourned the life I would have lived in their stead, and it never occurred to ask if they were happy. This feeling stayed with me. Continue reading →

Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid

19 Monday May 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Uncategorized

≈ 212 Comments

Little_Mermaid_The

*Series premise explained and Snow White examined in the first part: Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White*

 The Plot

lmericflute
A self-hating fish-woman craves the excitement, material splendor, and external genitalia of the surface world. Upon discovering a ship full of humans, she spies on them, becomes obsessed with a prince, and trades her voice to Ursula the Sea Witch for three days worth of legs. To make the change permanent she needs to obtain the true kiss of love or her deed of ownership will be transferred from Prince Eric back unto Ursula.

Ursula manages to leverage this initial bargain to guilt the king into giving up his magic trident, dignity, and status as a vertebrate. General mayhem ensues, and then Prince Eric drives his manly harpoon into the Seahag’s rear. Ariel’s voice is snatched back, more mayhem, and Prince Eric takes control of the situation by ramming the jagged prow of his busted ship straight though Ursula’s backless dress.

The king returns to form and retrieves his trident, and so moved is he by the power of Eric’s thrusting he not only accepts him as a son-in-law, he also magically changes his teenage daughter’s species — forever — so she can marry a dude she’s known for a week. The end.

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Lessons from a Fantasy Princess: Snow White

20 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in Fatansy princess

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

critique, disney, fantasy, satire, Snow white

 

I have been preparing lately to have a daughter. I’m not expecting, nor willing, I just like having skills I don’t need. Part of this preparation has been an exhaustive meta analysis of Princess based literature, to better understand the lessons imparted and how that would blend with my parenting style. We shall begin with Snow White.

 

Snow White

Snow_White_1937_poster

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My Kids Stupid Questions: Immolation and the plight of Liverpudlian Whales

28 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by A.J. Valliant in ask sam, Uncategorized

≈ 7 Comments

As I explained last time my friends children are as stupid as their questions are endless. To help out I’m answering some of the overflow on the condition that my friends read my answers back to their children without paraphrase. This batch waded into deeper waters but I still managed to hold back the tide of ignorance. Let’s get to it.

***

 budist_monk_on_fire

“In history class our teacher told us Monks sometimes set themselves on fire to protest things. Why would anyone set themselves on fire to make a point? Has it ever worked?”

Daniel,
Age 13

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