Author Archives: A.J. Valliant

Review: Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

16 Sunday Oct 2016

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A few years back my friend Simon asked if I wanted to write a review for a fancy scotch website. I lack sophistication in general, and have a palette crass enough it would shame a Komodo dragon, so I agreed on terms that it would have to be a rotgut brew that I could have some fun with. This was a terrible idea in the moment, and set a horrible precedent that can only end in Cirrhosis. Earlier this week the other shoe dropped and I reviewed

The Trailer Park Boys:Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky

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It was a mistake and I am now blind in one eye. Still, worth reading though.

Cartoons that Confused and Angered Me : Care Bears, Hercules

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

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*(A Fifteen year old throw back from my old site, with a touch of modern editing)

The Care Bears

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I don’t know if they were a bunch ursine empathic vampires trying to pass themselves off as good Samaritans, or just some cosplay midgets that couldn’t mind their own  business. Either way I found them intrusive and unsettling. As a race they were the weird girl at the office that cries when someones lunch is stolen and extends a harassment seminar by a half hour so she can recount the contentious tone of her last book club meeting. Nobody gives a fuck, toughen up.

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Letter Day: Shadows of the Past

06 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Assessment Scale, Letters

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I used to run another site. We had a regular feature where readers would sends us letters and I would answer them publicly. These are some of my favorites.

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I’m a big fan of dog racing but can never pick the right dog. Do you have having any tips for picking a sure winner?

Davin,

Respero, AZ

 If Bugs Bunny has taught me anything (and it has taught me many thing) it is this: that the race will unfold in the fashion which allows for the most amusing name interactions. I picture the call going as such.

Announcer: Drunken mother stumbles out of the gate…Grandfathers Hug is within an inch of Bad Touch and keeping close… Repressed Memory pushing hard for the lead.

Announcer: Baldspot giving way to Daddies New Camero… Ill-conceived making a pass on School Girls Folly on the rail… Eloquent Stranger driving  Drunken Mother hard into the wall…Peeping Neighbor comes out of nowhere to inject some drama into the race.

Announcer: Baldspot is receding…Daddies New Camero is running out of gas late…Schools Girls Folly is overtaken by Bad Touch in an aggressive move…Statutory forcing his way through the pack…Oh my lord, Grandfathers Hug has just exploded past Repressed Memory to take the win.

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Terrible Monsters:The Sphinx

21 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in Terrible Monsters

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Overview

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 The Sphinx was borne from the union of the no account snake torso-ed Goddess, Echidna,  and the deadbeat father of all monsters Typhon. Due to the eclectic genetics of her  parents her lovely human face was perched atop the body of a winged and ample bosomed lion, with a decorative snake tail on the back end. Note that she did not have a snakes tail, her tail was an entire Snake, attached to her lion butt.

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The Sphinx’s early life is murky, but at some point she flew from her homeland of Ethiopia to take up residence on the coast near Athens, on a big rock by the road. Shunned by cliquish lions and smug people bodied humans the Sphinx grew embittered with the politics of her new home. Hungry and alone the Sphinx decided to channel the pain of her isolation into a cruel game of riddles that she would spring on passers by. The prize: go about your day. The punishment: Strangulation and then consumption. The historical records are unclear if she strangled them with her lions paws and ate them with her human mouth, or if she constricted the snake around their throats so it could then swallow them upwards into the Lion Butt. I imagine this being a source of contention for both ends.

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She ran this grift for an unspecified period of time until Oedipus sauntered by and solved her riddle. Yes, that Oedipus. The Sphinx took it poorly and committed suicide by hurling herself off of the side off of the rock. Oedipus went on to have a terrible day. The end.

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Ask Sam: Terrorism lessons from Tim, the kindergarten jerk

15 Friday Apr 2016

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Daily Prompt: SNAP

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Of late I have been growing more and more furious over the western media’s denigration of my religious icons and fundamental belief structures. I feel this growing fury that needs release, what would you say is the best course of action?

 Irate Sympathizer In Lockdown

Location Withheld

I’ve been there, Ira.

When I was in kindergarten there was this kid Tim that was always on my ass; taking my toys, telling the teacher I was swearing, bad mouthing Spider-man. And then one day, this ignorant mother fucker draws an unflattering picture of me and sticks it on the play kitchen wall. Where all the kids can see it.

Now. I had a few options, try and guess the appropriate one:

  • a) Tell the teacher like a little snitch and get Tim in trouble?
  • b) Take his lunch that he might starve in keeping with his artistic pretensions?
  • c) Draw an unflattering picture of him?
  • d) Organize a campaign to exclude him from recess activities?
  • e) Strap an improvised explosive device to the class gerbil when it’s Tim’s turn to take it home, in hopes that it will destroy him and the pig-dog family that birthed him?

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