Of late lifting heavy things short distances has crept from a means to an end. I am disciplined and dedicated. I am generally neither, and rarely both. I don’t compete. The people closest to me are largely indifferent to the pursuit. There is a significant physical price in both the short and the long term. I pick things up and put them down and this is how I spend the bulk of my ambition. I am aware of how reductive and arbitrary that seems.

I don’t know how much money I made last year. I go months without writing. It’s been eight years and I’m still not sure if I passed the final half credit to secure my degree. I spent an hour today trying to figure which antiperspirant would work best on the soles of my feet, because I lost ground traction on my last set of deadlifts. These are not the actions of a well person, but the first time I pulled four plates off the ground I felt like the universe had grudgingly conceded an argument that we started in high-school. Prick.

***

Dear Sam,

 What is up with the Illuminati? Is there actually a secret society founded by the Knights Templar that controls the fate of the western world? If so, have I placed us both in danger by asking this question in such a public forum? If so, how did they get so powerful?

Conspiracy Dave,

Palmeto ,CA

I’ll be upfront, Dave, I don’t run the world, nobody cares about my secrets, and trapping a fart under the covers in advance of my wife coming to bed is the closest I come to a nefarious plot. I can only assume that you have exhausted every other line of inquiry and found them blocked from on high, but we here at Sam The Turtle are as un-intimidated by power as we are unfamiliar with the rules of evidence, grammar, and any reasonable scope of practice.

Allow me to combine and restate your questions:

• Do the illuminati exist– Almost certainly.
• Do they control the world through manipulation of the banking system aided by a shadow government– Yes they do.
• How did they get so powerful– Dark magics, creative accounting, persistence.
• Have you placed us both in danger– I assume you are dead as I write this.
• Are they a secret society– To answer that you must first ask:

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I write this on the stitched together remains of two ruined laptops, beaten things, one dead entirely and the other siphoning power from the wall through its dead brother’s dangerously frayed cord. I tried to fix the fancier of the two by removing all of the screws and prying it open, that I might blow vigorously and check the “Connections”? I replaced the screws and found no improvement. I took the screws back out, figuring maybe things had sort of expanded over time and it might work better without them. Still broken.

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Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22

Sign : A Crab or A Horrifying Wasting Disease I don’t usually editorialize in this portion but I need to address the etymological elephant in room. My zodiac sign is the most jarring Homonym in the English language. Were I to loudly discuss my birth sign in a crowded restaurant it would likely trigger deeply painful memories in at least a few diners at surrounding tables. The worst thing a doctor could possibly tell you is also the thing that describes the traits and tendencies that define me on a pseudo-spiritual level. When I Googled famous Cancers, the first two hits were Nikola Tesla and Childhood Leukemia. Stop whining, Virgo. You don’t have it so bad. Continue reading →

My friends know that I write. A few are regular readers. Occasionally, upon first acquaintance, strangers will mention they’ve stumbled over a thing or two I put up. The feeling is somewhere between discovering that you’re reading the same book as the person sitting beside you on the bus, and finding a wallet on the street with your picture folded lovingly inside it; gratifying, with the slightest hint of unease and latent obligation.

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