Author Archives: A.J. Valliant

My Kids stupid questions: Why can’t I play all of the time?

06 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

vintage_insect_2

(premise of series explained in The FIRST ONE)

Why can’t I play all the time? School is bad and mom always make me clean and talk about my day. I love playing and hate reading and math[1]. When I’m grownup I will only play and only be friends with kids.

 David, age 5

David, there is a shit ton wrong with your plans and your policy and your general attitude on this matter. I’m sure your parents have laid out the basic moral failings of your position, and given you a cursory understanding of a Keynesian demand side economy, so I will focus on the ugly emotional reality of what you are proposing. As you are five, and therefore quite stupid, I will do so in the form of a fable. Strap in kid, this could keep you from being a forty year old that carries around a skate board for no reason, lives on a couch, and “supports” himself by taping up flyers for club shows that he can’t get into.

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Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions

14 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by in ask sam

≈ 11 Comments

 

stupidkids

I do not have children but my friends do. Children are, by their nature, quite stupid and prone to dying. My friends are very tired and would prefer their children be alive and smart, but often settle for alive. Eventually the kids start talking and demanding answers to questions with such volume and frequency that it breaks the human mind.

I do not have children, but I have answers. As a public service I have decided to dig into the backlog of questions that my friends are too exhausted to answer, and fill the gaps in their children’s knowledge . Each parent emailed me a list of queries and promised to read my response to their children in full, without editorial interference. I do not believe in speaking down to kids, so some of the terms and concepts may go over their heads, but I’m confident that the essential truth will make its way through.

  ***

Is the tooth Fairy real? Why does she give money for teeth?

 Brandon

Age 7 Continue reading →

“In defense of Ray Rice: A terrible drunken Mistake”

10 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in ask sam, Political Satire

≈ 2 Comments

ray-rice

*If you haven’t seen the video of the night in question it is readily available. I’m glad it was documented but I cannot bring myself to have something so ugly on my site*

The following are real comments, from real people, on a Ravens message board pontificating on how a good guy like Ray Rice is getting a bad rap for one drunken mistake. In the interest of public discourse I figured that I’d respond to them collectively, that we might examine the many nuances of “Does beating your wife half to death in a casino elevator really make you bad person?“. To some this is a straight forward proposition, for others…well, I’ll let them speak for themselves.

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“”I am not defending Ray Rice. All we know is that he had a drunken night with his wife and mistakes were made. People commit all sorts of stupid acts because they are drunk.”

 Very true. I once shat in a round garbage can two feet from my toilet because I was too drunk to tell the difference. I’ve carried abandoned furniture ten blocks in the rain, thinking my wife would praise me for bringing her an upholstered bench with all but one leg broken off. I have called 911 to get the number for a cab company and argued with the operator about the nature of the service that they were supposed to provide. Continue reading →

Terrible Monsters: The Selkie

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Terrible Monsters

≈ 12 Comments

Faroese_stamp_580_the_seal_woman

Overview

eyes

If the oceans were a high school Selkies would be the damaged drama kid that discovered an English accent in the tenth grade and started dating the janitor because he used to be in a band. Selkies are magical seals with the questionable gift of shedding their skins to walk on land in the guise of humans. What would inspire a creature to give up a life frolicking in the waves for the drudgery of a bipedal existence on the Scottish coast?  Firstly, curiosity. Secondly, true love. Well, true love facilitated by the wrinkle that anyone who finds the Selkie’s shed skin can trap her in human form, forcing her to remain on land. You see Selkies were careless with both their hearts and their pelts, and momentary dalliances with fishermen could become long term relationships if their paramour stumbled upon the Selkies discarded husk before the Selkie’s walk of shame back to the ocean was complete.

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I was literally raped… for an hour, by a twelve year old camper.

28 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 12 Comments

 

In response to Daily Prompt: Head Turners

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/head-turners/camp-counselor

Last night, in a regrettable lapse of judgment, I wore my headset while playing GTAV online. While I managed to filter out the misguided racial slurs and lazy homophobia, the following disclosure caught my attention.

 ” Guy, I was literally raped… for an hour straight, by a twelve year old camper “

 The speaker Lega1Bud420 directed this at UrMombloes, the pilot of the attack helicopter in which we were fleeing the police. Now my natural inclination would be to chalk this up as colorful speech, but Bud had assured us this was a plain spoken, literal account of events, devoid of hyperbole or narrative color. He’d been sexually assaulted, at length, by a juvenile outdoor enthusiast. UrMombloes asked the natural follow up. Continue reading →

Letter Day: Why can’t we be friends?

22 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by in ask sam, Assessment Scale, Letters

≈ 3 Comments

Falcor---The-NeverEnding-St

Dear Sam,

 I have been dating “Chad” for two years and he is my best friend, confidant, and the person who most helped me grow into the adult that I needed to be. I love him, but I am no longer “in love” with him. I met a guy at work and I want to pursue it, but I still really want to remain friends. How do I go about explaining this without hurting his feelings or ruining our chance for a healthy platonic friendship.

 Carol B.,

Brampton, On

Carol, you lost your chance at a healthy platonic relationship the third time you threw down. Sex makes babies and kills friendships. You can no more re-friend someone than you can un-fuck them. You can’t remain friends, because you are not friends. You are lovers.

Ending romantic intimacy, while demanding friendship, is akin to slashing someone’s tires and then insisting they drive you to the airport on their bare and sparking rims. Even if he wanted to you are not making it to the terminal, and there is a good chance his gas tank catches fire and explodes. So maybe just take a cab and let him call a tow truck to haul away the wreckage.

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